When divorce becomes a national issue

KUALA LUMPUR - Some people get married based on "SSS" and get divorced also on the basis of "SSS".

Some may break into laughter upon hearing the term "SSS" or 'Suka Sama Suka' (mutual consent). But is it really that funny?

Why is the breakdown of the institution of marriage such fodder for humour? Is losing a relationship that took years to build a laughing matter? In other cases, why is there such a hurry to end matrimonial ties? Indeed, some couples call an end to their union just months into a marriage.

"The problem starts when the couple in question sees divorce as an option."

"We can conclude that they are not serious about marriage. That is why they resort to divorce so easily," Prof Datuk Dr Zaleha Kamaruddin, the Deputy Director-General of the Institute for Islamic Understanding (Ikim), told Bernama in an interview.

She was met after presenting the paper: Muslim Women and the Family Institution in the Era of Post-Modernism at the seminar entitled "Women and the Challenges of the Post-Modernism" organised by Ikim and the Malaysian Department of Islamic Development (Jakim) in Kuala Lumpur.

NATIONAL ISSUE

Divorce used to be viewed as a personal or individual problem. Today, this is no longer the case.

Dr Zaleha cited an example in the United States where the government had to take over the responsibility of ensuring the welfare of divorced or abandoned women and children.

She said that studies revealed that five in every 10 marriages in the U.S. ended in divorce.

In many cases, the living standard of divorced women turns into a downward spiral. In contrast, their ex-husbands enjoyed a better standard of living after divorce.

Divorced women are usually forced to go out and earn a living to support the family because ex-husbands tend to wash their hands of the responsibility.

"Although there is divorce settlement, it is usually difficult to implement the court order."

"So when such problems crop up, it's the women and the U.S. government that have to step in and take over for the sake of the children," she explained.

She added that the high divorce rate also caused a huge change in America's social structure.

The large number of single people has also impacted government-sponsored welfare programmes, especially to families of the women affected.

SPREADING TO MALAYSIA

Developments in the country show that the post-modernism trend in the U.S. regarding marriage and family breakdown has spread to Malaysia, said Dr Zaleha.

It had been happening for some time, she added.

Her views are based upon the increasingly common Malaysian scenario where the government had to take over the welfare of families in divorce cases.

This is done through the government-formed Family Support Body, which helps divorced women who do not receive alimony from their ex-husbands, in spite of court orders.

"In these matters, the government is forced to provide for the women first. The support body, meanwhile, tries to locate the ex-husband.

"As the country's administrator, the government should intervene because the outcome of a divorce does not only affect the mother, but her children as well."

"The present legal system is not adequate enough for this so the government is forced to come up with another system to remedy the inadequacy."

"The question raised by researchers like me is how can you get the fathers to fulfil their obligations?" she said.

Dr Zaleha added that she and a group of researchers from the International Islamic University of Malaysia (UIAM) conducted a study in 2006 following a request by the Syariah Judiciary Department.

The study was to find out how many ex-husbands adhered to court orders on divorce settlements.

She said that the findings revealed that a staggering 80 per cent of court orders were ignored.

"So what the ex-wives get are usually just paper judgements. What can she do with it? Frame it?"

"We can get the court orders out easily but getting the ex-husbands to adhere to them is another question. The government would then be forced to step in to care for the welfare of the ex-wife and children."

"This is what I mean when I say that divorce is already a national issue. So no one can say that it's a right to divorce. Sure they can, but who'll be taking care of the kids afterwards?" she asked.

A QUESTION OF VALUES

How do we ensure that both husbands and wives take their roles in a marriage seriously?

Dr Zaleha said it was all up to their values.

But in post-modern times, values often take a back seat, she said.

"Values such as the sanctity of marriage are supposed to be inculcated during pre-wedding courses."

"But is a two-day course enough for a person to learn such important values? There are even those who attend the class just for the certificate. Some even have the nerve to negotiate the duration of the course to one day. So is the course even effective?"

"Nevertheless, it can be concluded that when divorce occurs, it is due to the lackadaisical attitude of a person towards marriage," she said.

FACEBOOK 'MARRIAGE COUNSELORS'

Regarding popular claims that the social networking site Facebook has become an increasingly common cause of divorce, Dr Zaleha said she did not believe that was the case.

"To me, the problem isn't with Facebook. The problem is with the couples themselves. Facebook just facilitates the process of divorce."

She used the example of a couple that used Facebook to air their marital grievances and solicit advice.

Some people do not know how to work out their issues on their own and used social networking to get advice from friends.

" The term we use is no "hijab" (cover) in a marriage, because Facebook is the only medium in which they express their feelings. Why air your dirty linen in public?"

She further suggested that mosques have their own counselling centres where imams can play the role of marriage counselors.

"It would help tremendously as imams and retired ustaz have plenty of knowledge and experience. They probably just need some training in communicating so that they can advise troubled couples," she added.

BALANCED EDUCATION

In the same vein, Dr Zaleha also recommended that parents give their children a 'balanced' education so they excel not only academically, but spiritually as well.

Parents may be proud of children who make it to university, but what if they lacked religious and moral education?

"We wonder about the cause of their "imbalance" when they're adults, when it was us who failed to give them a balanced education."

"He may have a PhD but his religious knowledge may only be of preschool level. Is the religious education taught in school sufficient to help them face the realities of life?

Life in school and university is vastly different.

"Educators are aware of the issues faced in university. We are forced to inherit all these problems in our educational system. Therefore we need to instill a balanced education," she said.

Dr Zaleha said parents needed to be aware of the need for a balanced education.

"We may need a programme on Muslim parenting skills. We have also suggested that Jakim study the effectiveness of pre-wedding courses to identify its problems and come up with appropriate solutions," she said.

CHANGING VALUES

In her paper, Dr Zaleha said that the family institution, like others, were also not immune to change.

The values system changes often and nothing was for certain in the era of post-modernism. The family institution was viewed as something unstable due to constantly changing values.

However, she said that the changes could not be allowed to take place without control.

She illustrated her point through an analogy: "We cannot let a ship sail according to the whims of the winds and weather. The captain must ensure his ship doesn't sink when hit by rolling waves."

She cited the example of the hippie culture from the 60s, which was actually a new culture that rejected the somewhat modest Western culture at the time.

The culture dictates that no one should be attached to any American value system. The propagation of a culture of "sex, drugs and rock and roll" have spread not only across the U.S., but to other countries as well.

Dr Zaleha said that since the 1980s, social relationships were no longer based upon friendships or marriage, but more on individual desires.

Many personal relationships cross the borders of usual relationship while upholding the "right to do anything I want", including the ability to indulge in same sex relationships.

"Couples living together are no longer viewed as an issue or something sinful and religion is no longer the foundation of a personal relationship.

"Relationships are flaky because no one has the commitment to stay together forever. The culture is further encouraged by Hollywood, which portrays having multiple partners as the norm or even something to be proud of," she added.

REJECTING MARRIAGE

Dr Zaleha said that there were also couples rejecting marriages on the grounds that it was troublesome.

In many countries, live-in couples have as many rights as married couples. This includes division of property and custodial rights to children born out of wedlock when they decide to no longer remain a couple.

In other cases, couples who feel bound to societal norms or the need to please their parents, but still want to celebrate their rights to freedom, would opt for an open marriage, said Dr Zaleha.

It entails the couple's rights to multiple partners and extra-marital sex.

What is out of the equation, though, are the issues of morality and the concept of sin.

- Bernama