TUESDAY JOKES - 72

 

An elderly woman in her nineties had a former neighbour who visited her at the nursing home. “How are you?” the visitor asked. “Oh,” said the elderly woman, “I’m just worried sick! ”You look like you’re in good health. They take good care of you here, don’t they?” “Oh, yes, they take good care of me here.” “Do you have any pain?” the visitor asked. "No, I can’t say I do,” the elderly woman replied. "Then what has you worried sick?” the visitor asked. The elderly woman leaned in and explained, “All of my closest friends have already died and gone to heaven. I’m sure they are all wondering where I went!”

Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?

Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck!

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!

I went to see my doctor this morning. 

“Someone decided to graffiti my house last night!” I raged.
“So why are you telling me?” the doctor asked.
“I can't understand the writing,” I replied. “Was it you?”

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderpants!

The insurance man was explaining the benefits of his policy over those of his competitors.

"If you fall from the eighty-eighth storey of the Petronas Twin Tower, just for argument's sake, and if you hit the ground, we pay you double indemnity. We pay you RM1,000 a week for as long as you live. And payments start from the time you leave the floor, so that you're making money on the way down."

A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her "Would you have sex with me for 10 million ringgit?"
Without skipping a beat, she screams "Yes!"
The man then asks, "What about for RM100?"
She looks at him sideways and says "What do you think I am, a whore?"

The man says "We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."

A judge was sentencing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them.
The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.
The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty.
Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.
The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?" The man replies, "Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window."

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