SUNDAY JOKES - 104

 

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get underway.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the centre aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses. At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job!

Doctor: What's wrong with your brother?
Man: He thinks he is a chicken.
Doctor: Really? How long has this been going on?
Man: Twenty years.
Doctor: Twenty years!
Man: We would have brought him in earlier but we needed the eggs!

 

One day, St. Peter saw a street gang walking up to the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some low-life street gang members at the Gates. What do I do?"
God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Redirect them."

St. Peter went back to carry out the order but he suddenly came running back and yelling, "God, God, they're gone! They're gone!"

"The street Gang?" asked God.

"No, the Pearly Gates!" said St Peter.

"If a man has a beautiful stenographer, do you suppose that will cause him to take more interest in his business?" asked Mr. Bush.
"I don't know whether he will take more interest in his business," said Mr. Pickton, thoughtfully, "but his wife will!"

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. 

She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the freshman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant!"

All I ask is a chance to prove money can’t make you happy!

 

A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so when he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.

The next morning, he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor: "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money, I'll kill him!"

The professor conveyed the message to his friend and his friend replied in sign language: "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first!"

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