THURSDAY JOKES - 103

 

Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other's case.
The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.
They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.
The second judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs but you threw the book at me!" he fumed. The first judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!

Name a book that made you cry?
Algebra!

Your honour, I am 85 years old. So here I am, sitting there on my porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me. He starts to rub my thigh and it feels good, Your Honour. So, I don't stop him and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honour. Why, Your Honour, I haven't felt that good in years! So, I just spread my old legs and say to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!" That's when he yelled, "April Fool" and that's when I shot the bastard!!!

When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.
The first one says, "You need to eat the chocolate.”
The second one says, "You heard. Eat the chocolate!"

It’s not how good your work is, it’s how well you explain it!

A man is in jail for a year, so to pass the time he catches a fly and teaches it to do tricks. He taught it to lie on it's back, jump into a matchbox and walk a little thread set up as a tightrope. He spends the whole year teaching the fly tricks. 

Upon his release, he goes into a pub and sits down. He opens the matchbox and lets the fly out. As the fly patiently sits there, he sets up the little tightrope and everything else.

He calls the bartender over and says, "Hey bartender, see this?"
The bartender goes, "Oh, sorry mate, just a minute," and squishes the fly with a flyswatter!

Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness!

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light had burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry, officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away. Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So, the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again, John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk!"

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