THURSDAY JOKES - 104

 

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and his well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. 

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

A proctologist whose hand had got stuck in a patient comes to see a doctor.
"Hey, what are you doing here?" angrily exclaims the doctor, "This is a hospital, not a puppet show!"

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they all sat. After a home run, he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going well, he decides to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. 

Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, "Well, everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!'"

With a calendar, your days are numbered!

An elderly man goes into his doctor’s clinic for an annual physical examination. After a while, the doctor comes out and says: "I'm sorry, Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition that only allows you another six weeks to live."
"But Doctor," Bill replies, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment, the doctor says: "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa to take a mud bath every day."

"And will that cure me?" Bill asks excitedly.

"At least, you will be prepared for the eventual," said the doctor!

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a RM 10 note and decided to give it to the person who tells the best joke."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age, I didn't even know what a joke was."
The boys looked at each other then gave the RM 10 note to the teacher!

A hard thing about a business is minding your own!

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

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