TUESDAY JOKES - 102

 

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last bar-stool next to an older woman. 

After a while, the woman starts to smell this horrible odour coming from the direction of the drunk. 

She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, did you just shit in your pants?" 

The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself." 

The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"
The drunk says, "'Because I'm not finished yet..."

Q: Why did the blonde quit her job as a restroom attendant?
A: She couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!

When a patient regained consciousness after an operation, the surgeon told her: "I'm really sorry but I'm afraid we're going to have to open you up again. You see, unfortunately I left my rubber gloves inside you."

The patient said: "Well, if that's all it is, I'd prefer you to leave me alone and I'll buy you a new pair!"

The other day I bought a new GPS for the old angry people...
It tells other people where to go!

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat right in front of them.

The first old lady had a stroke.

The second old lady had a stroke.

But the third old lady couldn't reach that far!

Q: What is the difference between a woman and a mosquito?

A: A mosquito quits sucking your blood after you hit it!

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet!

A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband. One day, she found a beautiful lamp lying on the sidewalk. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a genie popped out of the lamp! The genie said that it would grant her 3 wishes and that with every wish her husband gets the same thing only double!
So, the woman thinks of a first wish...
"I want to be rich!!!"
So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich!
The woman then thought of a second wish...
"I want to be beautiful!!"
So, the woman became beautiful, and the husband became twice as beautiful.
"Okay", the genie says. "This is your last wish so be careful what you wish for!"
The woman thought real hard and finally came to a decision....

"I Want You To Beat Me HALF To Death!!!"

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