TUESDAY JOKES - 104

 

A family is at the dinner table. The father looks at his oldest son.
"Tony! Why are you so fat?"
"Pa, it's Mama's casseroles!" Tony says.
"I can't stop eating them, it's so good."
"Tony, you should take a smaller bite." Pa says.
Then Pa looks at his middle son.
"Fred! Why are you so fat?"
"Pa, it's a Mama's roast beef," Fred says.
"I can't stop eating it, it's so good."
"Fred, you should take a smaller bite."
Then Pa looks at his youngest son, "John! How you stay so slim and trim?"
"It's easy, Pa," John says.
"I eat lots and lots of snot."
"Snot? Snot?" Pa says.
"That tastes like shit!"
"Pa, you should a take smaller bite!"

Where do ghosts like to travel on vacation?
The Dead Sea!

 

The human brain is a wonderful thing. 

It starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public!

After much urging by his wife, Uncle Joe applied for work on a farm. The foreman decided to give him a try and told him to milk a cow, equipping him with a stool and a bucket.
An hour later Uncle Joe returned dirty and sweaty, the bucket in one hand and the broken stool in the other.
"Extracting the milk was easy," he explained. "The worst part was getting the cow to sit on the stool!"

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost as they drove down the street?
Buckle your sheet, babe!

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. 

Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom but they heard nothing. 

They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. 

They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the action of the goat when a man walked up to them. 

He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! 

The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie!"

There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot!

Two guys are sitting at a bar.
"You know why I love this bar?" asks the first one.
"No," says the second guy. "Why do you love this bar?"

The first guy points at the window, which is six stories above the ground. "It has a magic window," he says. "You jump out of that window and you can fly."

The second guy just shakes his head. "Shut up."
"No," says the first guy. "It really is a magic window. I'll prove it to you."

So, the first guy gets down from his bar stool, runs at the window, jumps out of it, and flies. He flies around the building twice, up and down, and finally comes back in. He walks to his bar stool and takes a sip of his drink. "See?" he says.

The second guy looks confused. He looks at his drink. "I must be drunk," he says.
"Still don't believe me?" asks the first guy. "I'll show you again." He gets down from his stool, runs and jumps out of the window again. This time he performs some impressive aerial acrobatics, spins, flips, dives. When he finally comes back in, the second guy is staring at him, slack-jawed.
"Wow," says the second guy. "A magic window." He gets off his bar stool, takes a running jump out of the window, and promptly plummets to his death. The first guy starts laughing.

The bartender comes over to the first guy with a stern look on his face. 

"Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk!"

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