A
climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small
branch wedged in the rock.
"HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted.
A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith
in me."
"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.
"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again,
"IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"
Q: Why did the blonde try and
steal a police car?
A: She
saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Carl was talking to a girl in a
New York City bar.
He asked, "Can I get you a
drink?"
The girl replied,
"Certainly."
Carl then asked, "What would you like?"
The girl said, "Champagne."
Carl then asked, "Why Champagne?"
The girl replied, "Because when I drink champagne, I
imagine I am a goddess on the Nile, draped in a long robe, relaxing peacefully,
with servants fanning me and dropping peeled grapes into my mouth."
Curious, Carl asked her, "What if I just buy you a draft
beer?"
The girl replied, "I'll
fart all night!"
Did you hear about two people
who stole a calendar?
They each got six months!
The doorbell rings. A man opens
the door and there's his mother-in-law on the front step.
She asks, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
The man says, "Sure you
can." And he closes the door!
Two blondes were flying to
Miami from Cleveland.
Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced
"One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But
don't worry, we have three engines left".
Thirty minutes later, the
captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two
hours longer. But don't worry, we have two engines left!"
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of
his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses
white?"
The mother looks at her son and
replies, "Son, this shows the audience that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and
then seeks his father's opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses
white?"
The father looks at his son in
surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white!"
An Irish wife was having a
shower and slipped over the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over
forward, she slipped over and did the splits and suctioned herself to the
floor.
She yelled out for her husband.
'Paddy! Paddy!' she yelled.
Paddy came running in. 'Paddy, I've suctioned myself to the
floor,' she said.
'Ohhh nooo! Paddy said and tried to pull her up. 'You're just
too heavy, love. I'll go across the road and get Shamus.'
Paddy comes back with Shamus and they both tried to pull her
up.
'Nope, I can't do it,' Shamus said, 'Let's try Plan C.'
'Plan C?' exclaimed Paddy. 'What's that?'
'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break
the tiles under her.'
'Oh okay,' Paddy said. 'While you're doing that I'll stay
here and play with her tits.'
'Play with her tits?' Shamus said. 'Why would you do that?
This is hardly the time.'
Paddy replied, 'Well, I figured if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive to replace!'
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