Sign at a Butcher Shop Window:
Let Me Meat Your Needs!
Speaking to her two daughters, a mother said, “When we get home you need to clean your bedrooms.
Your grandmother is coming to visit us tonight and I want the whole house to look tidy.”
The younger daughter answered, “We will, Mommy. But isn’t that kind of lying?”
A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.
“If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it.
But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it.”
“This is my position, and I will not compromise!”
Sign at a Restaurant Window:
Don’t Stand There and Be Hungry,
Come On In And Get Fed Up!
Why didn’t the man report his stolen credit card?
The thief was spending less than his wife!
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.
Two guards bring the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!” Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The redhead then screams, “tornado!!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The blonde shouts, “Fire!!!”
A very old rural county preacher was fishing one afternoon when he noticed a frog sitting next to him.
The frog said, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.
“The old preacher smiled, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
After a while, he looked into his pocket to see how the frog was doing. The frog said again, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.
“The preacher just smiled and kept on fishing. When he checked on the frog again, it said, “What’s wrong with you, fella? I said I’ve been bewitched. Just kiss me and I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and make you the happiest man on earth for the rest of your life! “
The old preacher just smiled and said, “Frog, I’m sorry to tell you this…but at my age, I’d rather have a talking frog than a beautiful princess!”
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey!”
The horse replies, “Sure!”
A man goes to a sperm bank and says, “I’d like to make a deposit, please.”
The doctor says, “Go and fill this up,” and gives the man a bottle.
Three days later the man returns to the sperm bank, marches into the doctor’s office and says, “I’ve tried with my left hand and tried with my right hand. My wife has tried with her left hand and her right hand. My mother-in-law has tried with a rubber glove on – but none of us can get the top off that bottle!”
Why are crabs so bad at sharing?
Because they’re all shellfish!
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: “You must be single?”
The man replied: “Wow, how did you know that?”
Cashier: “Because you’re not handsome!”
When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peek-a-boo and other games slowly took their toll.
One evening my wife smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor.
I rushed to her side and asked whether she was hurt.
She looked at me through her tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, “I am fine, can’t you see?”
Q: How can you tell if a blond is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece!
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