THE NEXT PRIME MINISTER OF MALAYSIA

Raggie Jessy

Let me tell you a short story.

Once upon a rainy November, three dato’s rendezvoused in a cavern with heads held high and wizardry in check. They came together with pearls of merry laughter, cackling sarcastically over what was to become of Malaysia’s premiership. “Hail Ku Li, the next Prime Minister of Malaysia!’, said the first dato’. And the merriment was no more.

His visibly antagonised comrade screamed, “Hail Hishamuddin, the next Prime Minister of Malaysia!” Soon, the two were at crosiers drawn as they prodded each other in furry, you know, like two kids poking each other with long pokemon candy sticks.

Meanwhile, the third Dato’, Dato’ Din, was manifestly fraught. He gathered his composure and quipped, “Hold on. Let me make a random call to someone from the rakyat and ask them who the next Prime Minister will be.” So he reached for his cell phone and dialled a random number.

Person #1: Hello?

Dato’ Din: Hello. I’m Dato’ Din here. I would like to ask you who you think would be the next Prime Minister of Malaysia.

Person #1: Can choose Chinese ah?

Dato’ Din: Be realistic…

Person #1: What I care la…

Dato’ Din: What do you mean you don’t care? Would it not interest you who the next Prime Minister of Malaysia will be?

Person #1: Really la…I don’t care one…

Dato’ Din: Why?

Person #!: Who become Prime Minister also make no difference one. Mahathir will cari pasai with him one. See Pak Lah? See Najib? Both also he give kaw kaw one la…

Dato’ Din: Huh??

Person #1: Aiya, you blind ah? They don’t care for us one la. They busy fighting about scandal lah…1MDB scandal, the food for oil scandal…Mahathir also got scandal one what…Perwaja scandal…he forget his own scandal, then say this scandal wrong, that scandal wrong…his scandal got right meh?

Dato’ Din: Well, if you had the power to appoint the next Prime Minister, who would you pick?

Person #1: I don’t want that power lah. I want the power to know which f***ing four digit number coming out first price Magnum tomorrow lah…

Dato’ Din: That’s all that matters to you?

Person #1: Why not? If I have power, you think I want to use the power to give someone be Prime Minister ah? You think I want to solve one problem with another ah? Better I solve my own personal problem la…you going to solve my personal problem for me meh?

Dato’ Din: Well, ok then. By the way, to whom am I speaking?

Person #1: Call me Chan…Ah Chan…ok, bye.

And the call ended. The Dato’ appeared dissatisfied, and proceeded to dial a second number at random. Soon, the Dato’ exchanged greetings with the person on the other end.

Dato’ Din: Hello. I’m Dato’ Din here. I would like to ask you who you think would be the next Prime Minister of Malaysia.

Person #2: I am not sure. Actually, peduli apa? Najib ke, Pak Lah ke, Melayu dah berpecah ni. Melarat pulak tu..bukannya depa buat apa pun..

Dato’ Din: Tu la, yang kita nak tau ni siapa yang mampu menegakkan martabat Melayu kita supaya kembali pulih seperti sediakala tanpa mengaibkan kaum Cina dan India…

Person #2: Tak usah la buang masa Dato’. Kembalikan je kuasa kat Sultan tu ha. Memang patut pun…Bukan ada apa yang nak dapat pun dari depa-depa yang duk ada dalam kerajaan sekarang ni. Bercelaru jadinya…bertelagah, bergelut…yang kami ni? Ha…pikir-pikirkanlah Dato’…

Dato’ Din: Saudara ni siapa?

Person# 2: Panggil je Salleh, Dato’..

Dato’ Din: Baik saudara Salleh. Terima kasih.

Person #2: Sama-sama Dato’.

An air of melancholy radiated in the room as the Dato’ turned to his comrades. “Well, I’ve made two calls. I think people pretty much couldn’t give a damn who becomes the next Prime Minister.”

“So why don’t you make the third call? Maybe that guy would have a better opinion,” said the first Dato’.

“Nah,” replied Dato’ Din. “I’ve got a strange feeling that the next guy would pick Mahathir.”