Why don’t you stand up and be a parent?

It is about time parents take full responsibility for their children's behaviour by exercising tough but fair parenting skills.

COMMENT

At 13, my son wanted to cycle to school. I said no. It was too dangerous.

At 14, my daughter wanted to spend the night at a friend’s place. I said no. I didn’t know the family well.

At 15, my son wanted to lepak with friends as they watched a football match at the mamak stall. I said no. I did not want my children outside the house at odd hours.

At 16, my daughter wanted to date boys. I said no. I did not think she was mature enough to be in a close relationship with someone outside our family.

At 17, my son wanted to learn how to ride a motorbike. I said no. I suggested he take up driving instead.

At 18, my daughter wanted a car. I said no. I told her to wait until she could afford to get one herself.

You may think I am a control freak. On the contrary, despite every single “No” I dished out to my children, there were plenty of “YESs” too.

“Mom, can I colour my hair purple and green?”

“Mom, can I have multiple piercings?”

“Mom, can I get a weird hair cut?”

“Mom, can I try paragliding and bungee jumping?”

“Mom, can you show me how condoms work?”

“Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes!”

As a parent, I make many decisions every day. Some decisions are easy, others not so. Some decisions go down well with my children, others are met with a scowl. Nevertheless, all decisions are important no matter how big or small. And as an intelligent adult with a fair degree of common sense, I try my best to make the right decisions for them every single time.

Like any other child, mine aren’t always able to make wise and mature decisions for themselves. Of course, some may say the road to maturity is littered with mistakes. Or that learning from mistakes helps one become more independent and responsible as well as better decision makers themselves in the future. However, this is not a rule that can be applied to every situation.

Many times, we parents are fooled by the false notion that the older our children get, the more mature they are. Truth is, children may develop physically, but the same can’t be said of their minds. This is clearly evident in the ridiculous decisions they sometimes make – having unprotected sex, dumping babies, racing in the middle of the road, climbing signboards without safety harnesses and experimenting with addictive substances.

When our children show a tendency to make unwise decisions, the responsibility to make decisions for them falls on us, the parents. This is when we, as parents are forced to make tough calls and exercise our veto powers, stripping our children of all their decision-making rights – especially when it comes to issues regarding their wellbeing and safety.

But how many parents exercise this right wisely?

I know of some parents who decide what their children should wear according to their religious beliefs, yet leave it to their children to decide on matters concerning their education.

I know of parents who decide on what to feed their children – but give absolute freedom to them when choosing which activities to indulge in with their friends.

And I personally know a fair number of parents who decide on how big an allowance to give their children but care little about how that allowance is spent.

How can we, as parents, possibly mould our children into responsible, mature and wise young adults if we fail to make for them, the decisions that matter?

If left to their own devices, these irresponsible, immature and foolish young adults will one day become irresponsible, immature and foolish parents.

The kind of parents who decide to have ten children despite struggling to raise one; the kind of parents who allow their children to loiter along the streets in the middle of the night; the kind of parents who are willing to let their children risk their safety and wellbeing in order to learn a thing or two about life the hard way.

And guess what – the cycle never ends. As long as there are parents with bad parenting skills, there will be children who grow up to become a nuisance to society and ultimately end up being bad parents themselves.

The question now is: What do we do? How do we ensure children are properly brought up in a healthy environment that contributes towards their physical, mental and emotional development?

By holding parents responsible for bad parenting.

We must send a clear message that parents who are unable to decide responsibly and wisely for the sake of their children’s wellbeing, be held liable for their children’s misconduct.

As a parent, I believe in the “forehead theory” – that despite being their own unique individuals, children have the names of their parents written on their foreheads; wherever they go, they carry their parents’ name and reputation with them.

I think it is about time, we as parents have the names of our children written on our foreheads too and learn to take responsibility for our children’s actions.

Fa Abdul is an FMT columnist.