TUESDAY JOKES - 103

 

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."'

"But I made him agree to pay me 200 euros for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind." He paused for a moment and then said, "I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

I am not short...
I'm just more down to earth than other people!

A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a twenty-ringgit bill on the bar and rushed out of the bar. 

The bartender picked up the twenty-ringgit bill and folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket.

Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him.
Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, "Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a twenty-ringgit tip and rushed out without paying!"

If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane!

 

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. 

The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, “Ketchup!”

A Malaysian police constable pulls over a pickup truck on the Lekas Highway and says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, "What about?"

A committee is twelve men doing the work of one!

"Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'

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