SATURDAY JOKES - 144

 

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!".

 

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you!"

 

I'm on a whiskey day and night. I've lost three days already!

 

Before Marriage:

Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.

Girl: Do you want me to leave?

Boy: No don't even think about it.

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.

Girl: Have you ever cheated on me.

Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?

Girl: Will you kiss me?

Boy: Every chance I get.

Girl: Will you hit me?

Boy: Hell never. Are you crazy?

Girl: Can I trust you?

Boy: Yes.

Girl: Darling!

After Marriage: (Now read from bottom to top).

 

A patient asked: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green, Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.   

Two aerials meet on a roof - falls in love - gets married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant!

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one for drinking battery acid, the other for eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off!

 

A small boy asks his Dad. "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to the bed thinking about what Dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby had severely soiled his diapers. The little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her up, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father making love with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept  of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit!"

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see."

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "and what do you deduce from that."

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars and if even a few of them have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent!"

 

John, who suffers from chest cancer, was in hospital when a pastor decided to visit. Then all of a sudden John couldn't breathe and couldn't talk so the pastor gave John a pen and paper to right his last few words. Somehow, he managed to write his last few words before he died. Two days later at the funeral, the pastor was telling everyone how good John was and how he died, then he remembered the letter and the pastor took it out of his jacket and read it out loud and it said:" you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

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