A sexually active woman
tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size
because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that
the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she
found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor,
"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for
confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because
you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted
me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some
time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He
wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Ahmad is almost 29 years old. His
friends have already gotten married, but Ahmad still just dates and dates.
Finally, a friend asks him,
"What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that
particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Ahmad replies. "I meet many nice
girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't
like them. So, I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend
suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"
Many weeks go by and again, Ahmad and his friend get
together. "So, Ahmad, did you find that perfect girl yet - one that's just
like your mother."
Ahmad shrugs his shoulders, "Yes,
I found one just like mom. And my mother loved her, and they became fast
friends".
"So,
should I congratulate you? Are you and this girl engaged yet?"
"I'm afraid not. My father can't stand her!"
A fellow walks into a bar feeling very down. As he
walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two
horses (sniff, sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm
mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to
think of something he can do.
"Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of
the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like
a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse
condition than he was before.
"What's the matter now? "the bartender
asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers,
"I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I
can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or
leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow
back."
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and
leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has
never seen anybody in this sorry state. Without the bartender even asking the
fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of
the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"
The bartender, now furious at the guy's general
stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses.
Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow cannot
believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the
bar as if he had just won the lottery.
"It worked, it worked!" he exclaims.
"I measured the horses and the black one is two
inches taller than the white one!"
"I
saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah.
I
thought: 'He's trying to pull a fast one.'"
Why do
we tell actors to 'break a leg?'
Because
every play has a cast.
"My doctor said to refer
to my nervous breakdown as an episode.
To be honest, it was more
like a season finale."
"British
people are like coconuts.
Hard
on the outside but sweet once you crack them.
Also
often found full of alcohol and always holding an umbrella."
Why
did an invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn't see himself doing
it!
A young girl who was writing a paper for
school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger
and exasperation?”
The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree.
Let me show you what I mean.”
With that the father went to the telephone and dialed
a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is
Melvin there?”
The man answered, “There is no one living here named
Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial”?
“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was
not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we
annoyed him. Now watch….”
The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin
there?” asked the father.
“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just
called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got lot
of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see,
that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means.”
He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice
roared, “Hello!”
The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have
there been any calls for me?”
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PETALING JAYA: Seven individuals including a former top cop and Dewan Negara president have been appointed as advisers to the Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission (MACC).
