SATURDAY JOKES - 295

 

Kuala Kerteh Beach, Kemaman, Terengganu, Malaysia yesterday

Two vampires are going for their midnight feed. After an hour or so, one vampire gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.

The other vampire comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first vampire says enviously, “Where did you get all that blood from?”

The second vampire replies, “Follow me. I’ll show you.”

After a while the second vampire leads them to a cave. He says, “You see that wall over there?”

The hungry vampire excitedly says, “Yes!”

The other vampire says, “I didn’t!”

 

“Costumes are very important for a ballerina.

She keeps them in her special tulle box.”

How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

 

How did the bird break into the house?

It came with a crow bar!

 

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.
“It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

 

10 blondes and 1 brunette were mountain climbing one day.

So, they were climbing and they got into trouble at a spot.

One of them had to give up their life so they could continue on.

So, the brunette said “I’ll do it so you girls can go on”.

So, she jumped to the jagged rocks below (ouch).

The dumb blondes felt sorry for the brunette, so they jumped off too!

 

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can’t possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, “Congratulations son, we’ve been waiting a long time for you.”

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says “Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don’t remember doing anything really special when I was alive. “Congratulations for what?” says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man’s modesty. “We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!” The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says “Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died, I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy but I only lived to be forty.”

“That’s simply impossible son,” says Saint Peter. “We’ve added up your time sheets!”

 

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, “You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.”
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, “What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen.”
“No, it’s true,” said the first man, let me prove it to you.” He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. “You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time fluke.”
“No, I’ll prove it again,” says the first man as he jumps. Again, just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. “Well, what the hey,” the second guy says, “it works, I’ll try it!” He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors …and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker, saying “You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk!”

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Ancaman ‘sang ultras’

Dalam buku bertajuk 'Mei 13 Sabelum dan Sa-lepas', Tunku ada bercakap mengenai ultra Umno yang lempar pelbagai tuduhan ke atasnya termasuk serangan peribadi dan desak bersara.

Singapura menyahrahsiakan apa yang dipanggil The Albatross Files. Fail itu mengandungi dokumen disimpan oleh Goh Keng Swee, orang kanan Lee Kuan Yew. Goh juga mengumpul catatan beliau. Dokumen dan catatan itu mengenai detik-detik penting, genting dan tegang menjelang perpisahan Singapura daripada Persekutuan Malaysia pada Ogos 1965.

Semua dibukukan setebal 487 muka surat dan diberi tajuk ‘The Albatross File: Inside Separation’. Pada 7 Disember lalu, buku itu dilancar bekas perdana menteri Singapura, Lee Hsien Loong, yang merupakan anak Lee Kuan Yew.

ini, saya sentuh hanya satu aspek yakni bukanlah rahsia Lee Kuan Yew dan People’s Action Party pimpinannya menyalahkan Kuala Lumpur khususnya golongan rasis dalam Umno pimpinan Tunku Abdul Rahman atas tercetusnya rusuhan kaum di Singapura pada 1964.

Sebenarnya dua kali rusuhan berlaku antara orang Melayu dan Cina di Singapura pada tahun itu iaitu pada Jun dan September.

Lee dan Goh tidak menyalahkan Tunku tetapi percaya Tunku tidak dapat mengawal puak pelampau atau ‘ultra Umno’ yang menurut mereka mampu mencetus atau mengapikan rusuhan kaum pada bila-bila masa. “Switch on and off,” kata mereka.

Menurut beberapa buku yang ditulis oleh Tunku sendiri, beliau memang berhadapan tekanan kuat daripada ultra Umno yang mahu beliau menggunakan Akta Keselamatan Dalam Negeri untuk menangkap Lee. Desakan itu kerana Ultra Umno melihat konsep Malaysian Malaysia anjuran Lee menafikan hak keistimewaan orang Melayu.

Tunku enggan kerana bimbang itu akan cetus lebih banyak konflik dalaman dan penangkapan Lee akan memburukkan keadaan. Memendekkan cerita yang panjang Tunku melihat pemisahan sebagai jalan keluar terbaik daripada ketegangan yang semakin memuncak antara kerajaan persekutuan dengan kerajaan Singapura. Tunku melakukannya untuk memastikan rusuhan kaum lebih besar tidak terjadi.

Namun apa yang Tunku tidak mahu berlaku, berlaku juga empat tahun kemudian. Kali ini di Kuala Lumpur rusuhan Melayu-Cina pada 13 Mei 1969. Sekali lagi istilah ultra Umno timbul.

Carian Google menghuraikan definisi ‘ultra Umno’ merujuk pada kelompok dalam Umno yang lebih radikal dalam memperjuangkan hak Melayu, berbeza dengan pendekatan Tunku yang lebih moderate.

Menurut informasi yang diperolehi, ketegangan politik pasca pilihan raya 1969 melibatkan perhimpunan membantah (pada hemat saya ia untuk meluahkan rasa tidak puas hati) keputusan pilihan raya menjadi pencetus rusuhan kaum itu.

Tindakan dan retorik golongan ultra dalam Umno serta cara kepimpinan Tunku menjadi sebahagian daripada perdebatan sejarah mengenai punca dan pengurusan peristiwa berdarah 13 Mei 1969.

Dalam buku bertajuk ‘Mei 13 Sabelum dan Sa-lepas’, keluaran September 1969, Tunku ada bercakap mengenai ultra Umno yang melempar pelbagai tuduhan ke atasnya termasuk serangan peribadi dan mendesak beliau bersara.

“Tidaklah dapat dinafikan lagi tentang adanya perebutan kuasa di dalam Umno sendiri di antara mereka yang telah menegakkan parti ini dan yang telah berkorban untuk kemerdekaan kita dengan anasir-anasir baharu yang digelarkan ‘pelampau’.”

Kata Tunku, perebutan kuasa dalam Umno telah bermula beberapa tahun terdahulu tetapi gerakan puak pelampau dapat dipatahkan oleh penyokong yang setia, dan kerana Umno ketika itu kuat.

Menurut Tunku: “jelaslah bahawa apa yang dikehendaki oleh ‘pelampau-pelampau’ ini ialah supaya Umno sahaja yang memegang seluruh pentadbiran kerajaan negeri ini sebagai sebuah parti. Saya telah berulang kali menyatakan bahawa kehendak ini adalah bertentangan dengan dasar saya.”

Bagaimanapun Tunku letak jawatan pada 1970 setelah berkhidmat sebagai perdana menteri pertama Malaysia selama 13 tahun, digantikan oleh Razak Hussein.

Siapa benar siapa salah akan terus ditanya. Hakikatnya dua kali Tunku tidak dapat mengawal ultra Umno.

Apa pun gabungan Perikatan pimpinan Razak juga dianggotai MCA dan MIC, bukan Umno sahaja seperti yang dituntut golongan ultra daripada Tunku. Tuntutan itu bagaimanapun tidak dibuat ke atas Razak. Ultra akur komposisi Perikatan sehingga komponen bertambah dengan pelbagai parti pelbagai kaum apabila Barisan Nasional ditubuhkan Razak pada 1974.

Adakah golongan ultra wujud dalam parti politik masa kini, khususnya parti politik Melayu? Golongan yang hanya mahu Melayu-Islam memerintah Malaysia? Terpaling nasionalis. Terpaling ketuanan. Saya ternampak beberapa hantaran di media sosial membabitkan perkara sama:

“Bila isu kaum dan agama dijadikan alat senjata politik, negara ini sedang berjalan ke arah kehancuran. Musuh kita bukan Cina. Bukan India. Musuh kita ialah golongan ultras dari kalangan kita sendiri yang hidup meniup sentimen dan kebencian. Setiap hari mereka racuni fikiran bangsa kita. Kalau kita terus biarkan, jangan terkejut bila negara ini rosak oleh tangan bangsa kita sendiri.”

Peringatan itu dikatakan diluah oleh timbalan perdana menteri kita yang kedua, Dr Ismail Rahman, pada 1973. Hantaran siap dengan gambar beliau. Saya Google tetapi tidak dapat cari pengesahan sama ada itu benar kata-kata Ismail. Mungkin saya terlepas pandang wallahualam tetapi saya setuju dengan kata-kata itu — tidak kira ia dikeluarkan Ismail atau tidak.

Carian Google memberitahu Ismail Rahman terkenal kerana peranan utamanya dalam memupuk keharmonian kaum selepas peristiwa 13 Mei 1969 dan menekankan perpaduan nasional, dan bukannya ‘ultra’. Fokus utama Ismail ialah perpaduan kaum, integriti dan kesederhanaan serta menentang ekstremisme.

Walaupun tiada rekod spesifik ‘ultra’ dalam carian, sumbangannya adalah meredakan ketegangan kaum yang secara tidak langsung menentang fahaman ekstremis yang boleh memecahbelahkan. Ismail bertindak tegas terhadap golongan ultra Melayu dalam Umno.

Ringkasnya Ismail tokoh yang membina jambatan perpaduan, dan bukan penyokong fahaman ekstremis. Pendirian dan perjuangan Ismail menentang extremis wajib diteruskan demi negara. - FMT

Artikel ini adalah pandangan penulis dan tidak semestinya mewakili MMKtT.

Weaving stronger ties for NZ, Malaysia and Asean

The ties that bind New Zealand, Malaysia and Asean are strong and grew even stronger this year.

From Mike Walsh

There is a Maori saying that has guided me throughout my first year as New Zealand’s high commissioner to Malaysia and Brunei: “Whiria te tangata – weave the people together.”

It is a reminder that diplomacy, just like weaving, is built strand by strand: the people who connect us, the relationships we nurture, the history we honour and the future we shape together.

Woven with trust and shared purpose, these strands form something far stronger than any one of us could create alone.

As I settled into life in Kuala Lumpur – embracing the heat, the food and the warmth of its people – I saw that weaving come to life in every interaction: in meetings and alumni gatherings, across cultural performances and sporting events, and in the simple “apa khabar” and “kia ora” with everyday Malaysians.

The ties that bind New Zealand, Malaysia and Asean are strong, and this year, those ties grew even stronger as new strands were woven into the fabric of our relationship.

New Zealand and Asean

This was on display in late October, during prime minister Christopher Luxon’s visit to Malaysia.

Aside from attending the East Asia Summit, our prime minister also took part in the New Zealand-Asean Leaders Commemorative Summit, where he joined with Asean leaders in formally agreeing to elevate the two-way relationship to a Comprehensive Strategic Partnership (CSP).

That may sound technical, but its meaning is straightforward: after 50 years of trust and cooperation, we’re ready to do more together in the decades ahead.

Asean is New Zealand’s fourth-largest trading partner, with nearly RM75 billion in two-way trade.

Beyond trade, the new CSP gives us the mandate to invest even more in a wide range of areas, from climate resilience and energy transition to digital innovation and the future of the green and blue economies.

While in Kuala Lumpur, Luxon also hosted a gala lunch for Asean leaders to celebrate 50 years of New Zealand-Asean ties as well as the establishment of the CSP.

The centrepiece was a Maori cultural performance by national champions, Te Kapa Haka o Ngati Whakaue, who brought the wairua or spirit of New Zealand to the heart of the Malaysian capital.

New Zealand and Malaysia

Luxon’s official visit to Malaysia at the end of October was also an opportunity to meet with Prime Minister Anwar Ibrahim to discuss a range of bilateral issues.

During their meeting, the two prime ministers celebrated the conclusion of a halal arrangement to boost exports of high-quality New Zealand halal meat to Malaysia.

Separately, Luxon announced two significant commercial deals involving Malaysian companies: YTL’s acquisition of the Indigo Hotel in Auckland and Yinson’s investment in a pipeline of renewable energy projects.

Luxon also enjoyed discussing investment and commercial opportunities with the Kuala Lumpur Business Club.

Like our relationship with Asean, New Zealand’s bilateral relationship with Malaysia extends well beyond trade and business. People-to-people links are the engine room of our relationship.

Earlier this year, New Zealand increased the number of Manaaki tertiary scholarships offered to Malaysians from two to 39 per year for the next three years.

These scholarships build on the proud legacy of thousands of Malaysian scholarship recipients who have studied in New Zealand since the Colombo Plan’s inception in 1951.

Many of these students filled important roles on their return to Malaysia.

New Zealand also continues to welcome 1,150 young Malaysians annually under the working holiday scheme, which is quickly filled by travellers eager to experience our natural environment while supporting their stay through part-time work.

Sport is another growing area of connection with plans in the pipeline to collaborate more closely with Malaysia to increase engagement between athletes, teams, sports administrators and officials.

Indigenous connections between New Zealand and Malaysia extend back to when the ancestors of Maori embarked on voyages across the Pacific from these shores.

Today, we are working to revitalise these links through support for indigenous cultural, business and development exchanges.

Another foundation of our partnership is defence and security cooperation. Our armed forces have stood alongside each other for decades and continue today through the Five Power Defence Arrangements.

Earlier in the year, I was honoured to host an Anzac Day commemoration and to also attend commemorations in both Bario and Sandakan, where the stories of hardship, sacrifice and resilience serve as a powerful reminder of the shared history that anchors our friendship.

A personal note

As I look back on my first year in Malaysia, I am struck by how quickly Malaysia feels like home for my wife Tricia and I, and how naturally our two nations connect.

It has been an exceptionally busy but rewarding year – with official visits from our ministers of foreign affairs, trade, defence, and, of course, Luxon; alongside major engagements across business, education and culture.

A personal highlight was seeing Rob Ruha and his band performing at the Rainforest World Music Festival in Sarawak. Other highlights include visiting the Skyline Luge, watching the races at the Selangor Turf Club, golfing with Malaysian friends, meeting students from Kampung New Zealand, reconnecting with alumni, and working alongside the dedicated officers across Malaysia’s ministries, agencies, and the wider diplomatic community.

This posting to Malaysia carries deep personal meaning for me.

Our first high commissioner to Malaysia, Charles Bennett, was a distinguished Maori leader who forged an enduring friendship with Malaysia’s first prime minister, Tunku Abdul Rahman.

As a Maori diplomat, standing where he once stood is both an honour and a reminder of the legacy we continue to carry forward.

It is an honour to serve as New Zealand’s high commissioner to Malaysia, and to play a part in weaving the strands of partnership that continues to grow.

With the 70th anniversary of our bilateral relationship on the horizon in 2027, the path ahead is rich with opportunity. I look forward with excitement to working with my team at the High Commission and our many friends here in Malaysia to realise this potential. - FMT

Mike Walsh is New Zealand high commissioner to Malaysia.

The views expressed are those of the writer and do not necessarily reflect those of MMKtT.

For airlines, reliability is the new runway to profitability

As it takes longer for manufacturers to deliver on orders for new aircraft, airlines must now focus on resilience over expansion, says an expert.

With profit per passenger at a low level, airlines must turn to non-seat revenue streams to be profitable. (Envato Elements pic)

KUALA LUMPUR:

 As the airline industry braces for a prolonged shortage of aircraft, an expert has advised Malaysian carriers to build resilience rather than chase business expansion.

Transport consultant Wan Agyl Wan Hassan said with global supply chains unlikely to see a full recovery until the early 2030s, the priority now is to ensure reliability, a disciplined deployment of a limited number of aircraft in existing fleets and strengthening areas of operations that ensure stability.

The International Air Transport Association (IATA) has estimated that supply chain bottlenecks could cost the aviation industry more than US$11 billion (RM45 billion) globally in 2025.

It singled out longer aircraft certification, US-China trade war tariffs on components used in aircraft, and the chokehold on the market by a small number of suppliers as factors that are driving the supply crisis.

Wan Agyl, founder of the think tank My Mobility Vision, pointed to engineering and maintenance as a major component of resilience in the face of these headwinds.

He said that since the Covid-19 pandemic, the turnaround time for servicing aircraft engines has risen sharply.

“In some instances, an aircraft can be grounded for months while waiting for slots for servicing or for replacement components. This is now a global reality,” he said.

He added that the solution lies in deepening maintenance, repair and operations (MRO) partnerships between airlines and manufacturers to secure spare-engine pools and adopting predictive maintenance tools.

Some airlines, such as the Malaysia Aviation Group (MAG), have already begun to take these steps.

“Reliability is becoming a competitive advantage in its own right,” Wan Agyl added.

He said that beyond engineering capability, Malaysian carriers and their regional counterparts are also adopting a more disciplined utilisation of aircraft but narrowing their focus to high-performing routes.

This marks a shift away from pure expansion to reinforcing resilience.

Revenue beyond the runway

With new aircraft harder to come by, the next frontier for commercial resilience lies in non-seat revenue streams.

Wan Agyl noted that around the world, the highest-performing carriers are those that have turned loyalty programmes and digital platforms into major profit engines.

“These revenues are light on capital, scalable, and far more stable than ticket sales,” he said, adding that Malaysia has yet to fully tap into this.

“Malaysia’s most underused aviation revenue opportunity today is the loyalty and digital ecosystem.

“Premium traffic is important, but Malaysia’s geography and corporate travel base naturally limit how much of this high yield segment the country can capture,” he said.

According to Wan Agyl, cargo is another potential area to strengthen revenue streams.

KLIA is already a competitive regional freight hub, and cargo yields remain stronger than pre-pandemic levels thanks to e-commerce and time-sensitive shipments. IATA expects global cargo revenue to hit US$158 billion (RM644 billion) in 2026.

“What remains untapped is loyalty. Some international carriers now earn hundreds of millions annually from loyalty programmes alone.

“For Malaysian carriers, expanding loyalty and digital capabilities offers a more durable revenue path — one that doesn’t depend on acquiring new aircraft,” he said.

Wan Agyl said Malaysian carriers could combine stronger balance-sheet discipline and better alignment with national aviation policy with their digitally-enabled commercial strategy.

“This way, Malaysian airlines can remain competitive in a decade shaped more by capacity constraints than by growth,” he added.

“Programmes like Enrich and BIG Rewards can evolve into broader ecosystems that support everyday payments, retail partnerships, dynamic earn-and-burn opportunities, and subscription-based products.”

According to IATA, airlines make roughly US$7.90 (RM32.29) per passenger globally and US$3.20 (RM13.09) per passenger in the Asia-Pacific region.

Although the industry is an economic enabler for tourism and trade connectivity, airlines generally do not make enough to cover the cost of capital expenditure and investment.

“In a world where adding more aircraft is difficult, the most scalable revenue for Malaysian aviation comes not from the seats themselves but from the relationship with the passenger,” he added. - FMT