A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The pump attendant spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but I haven't had a clue."
The attendant ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day, the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The attendant sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a great time. Today I am taking them to the beach!"
Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he asked: 'Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?' "'No your Highness,' he replied, 'but my father was!'"
An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yes," he replies. "Fifty years ago, we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."
"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"
So they strip off their clothes and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
Man is even more eager to copulate than a donkey.
His purse is what restrains him!
Martin had a drink too many at the pub and had also run out of money. But that did not stop him from ordering more. So, he said to the bartender, "C'mon Dan, give me a few more drinks. I'll pay you next week, I promise."
"Look," said Dan the bartender pointing out the window. "Can you see that building across the road?"
"Yes, I do. What about it?" said Martin.
"Well, that is the National Bank and I had a deal with them," said Dan.
"What kind of deal?" Martin blurted.
"The pact was that they'll not sell booze and I will not lend money!" replied Dan.
Pat is not feeling very well and she decides to go to the doctor. While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.
Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."
The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant."
Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?"
The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups!"
Q: What animal moves on four limbs in the beginning, then two and finally on three?
A: Man. He goes on all fours as a baby, on two feet as a man and uses a cane in old age!"
A blonde was speeding in a 35-mile-per-hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over.
The police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde. She asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's licence look like?'
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's licence", then handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this!"
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