TUESDAY JOKES - 179

 

Kinabalu Park, Sabah, Malaysia

A guy is horny as hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with RM 50 and begs the Madam to give him whatever she can for it.
She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!"
The guy gets the room but has nothing else. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon.
Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird, and just screws the living shit out of it. Satisfied, he goes home.
Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay-cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!".
The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?".
The guy does, and is enjoying the show when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?",
The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy screwing a pigeon!"

 

Q: Did you know that they had automobiles in Jesus’ time?

A: Yes, the Bible says that the disciples were all of one Accord!

 

What did one plate say to his friend?

Tonight, the dinner is on me!

 

"Grandma, how long have you and Grandpa been married?" asked young Nina.
"Fifty years," Grandma replied.
"That is so wonderful," exclaimed Nina. "And I bet in all that time, you never once thought about divorce, right?"

"Right Nina. Divorce, NEVER. Murder, lots of times, but never divorce!"

 

Have you ever tried eating a clock? 

It's really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds!

  

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. 

When the examination was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, 

"I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy!"

 

Why are ghosts such bad liars? 

Because they are easy to see through!

 

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember who might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.
"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. 
He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man shouted out, "Here they are!"
"No kidding?" Arnold shouted back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready on Thursday!" he said calmly.

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