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Tuesday, September 29, 2020

TUESDAY JOKES - 23

 

Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honour, his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.
Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and they are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them is to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.
Mrs. Mueller is first.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."
"Okay, that shall be granted to you."
Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.
Next, it is Mueller's mother-in-law's turn.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings."
"Okay, that shall be granted to you."
The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.
Then comes Mueller himself.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?"
"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable."
"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."
The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"
"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."

 

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently, and whispered, "Pills-bury All-Purpose, isn't it, honey?"
And thus, began Wally's life of celibacy...


While visiting a water show a tourist asked one of the divers, "Why do scuba divers always fall backward off their boats?
To which the diver replied, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

 

Three prisoners are captured in the war and are about to be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Italian asks for Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then taken away.
The Frenchmen requests a Filet mignon, which he is served and also taken away.
The English man requests a plate of strawberries.
The captors are surprised and reply, "STRAWBERRIES?"
"Yes, Strawberries."
"But they are out of season!"
"I'll wait..."



A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

 

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.

  

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs, and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is the name of the owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many years ago when I came to this country, was stood in line at the Documentation Centre. The man in front of me was a big blonde Swede. A lady looked at him and asked, "what your name?" He said, "Hans Olaffsen." Then she looked at me and asked, 'what your name?'"
"I said, Same Ting."

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