SUNDAY JOKES - 40

 

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5-yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"
"I did," said the centipede.
"Who stopped the rhino?"
"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.
"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5-yard loss?"
"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.
"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.
"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

One day, a girl walks to her mother and looks at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why are some of your hair white mom?"
The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hair turns white.
The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said, "Momma, how come grandma's hair is all white?"

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes the police! Come out with your hands up!

The Russian military leaders succeed in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem.
They are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: "Yes."
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally, one of them submits a second request to the computer: "Yes what?"
Instantly the computer responded: "Yes Sir."

 

A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30 pm.
One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and with her purse over the arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.
"Darn it, woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"

An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes."
The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a mighty thirsty, I think I will wish for a pint of stout."
POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So, he looks at the bottle, and it is magically filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"
The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these."

Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.
One turned to the other and said, "Hello."
The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."

 

A hacker had a lousy swing and could never hit the green.

Meg was the name of a girlfriend and a Gig was played on stage.

Memory was what our elders lost in their golden age.

An application was for employment and a program was a show.

A cursor used to cuss a lot and mail didn't seem that slow.

A CD was for money in a long-term bank account. And if you had a floppy you hoped that nobody ever found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage, not something you did to a file. And if you unzipped in public, you'd be in jail a while.

A keyboard was on a piano, a hard drive was down a long road.

A mouse pad was where Mighty Mouse lived and a backup involved a commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife; paste you did with glue.

A web was what a spider wove and a virus meant the flu.

Nobody gets killed in a computer crash but some would've rather been dead, I guess I'll stick to pen and paper and the memory still in my head.

If I could ever go back in time and start all over again, I'd make sure that I grew up as Bill Gate's closest friend.

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