SATURDAY JOKES - 80

 

Three gentlemen are golfing on a fine sunny day. They come to a difficult par with a water trap just after the tee. The first golfer proceeds to hit his ball right into the water. To retrieve it, he simply approaches the body of water and extends his golf club. The water parts, he takes his next shot and it lands on the green. The second golfer hits his ball towards the water, but rather than sink, the ball floats on top of the water. The golfer nonchalantly walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.

The third golfer hits the ball directly into the water, where it quickly starts to sink. As the ball sinks, a fish grabs the ball in its mouth. At that very moment, a hawk plucks the fish out of the water and begins to carry it aloft. As the bird soars higher, a bolt of lightning startles the bird, which then drops the fish into a nearby tree. When the fish hits a branch of the tree, the ball pops out, rolls down the trunk of the tree, across the green and right into the hole...
Moses turns to Jesus and says "You know, I hate golfing with your Father."

I met a nice girl at a bar last night and asked her to call me when she made it home.
I have not heard from her since. 

She must be homeless!

Q: What is the lion's favourite food?
A: Baked beings!

Pfizer Corp is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Co as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed advertisement campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one! 

Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "Mount & Do"!

A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful. The guest let out a huge gasp. When he was finally able to speak, he choked out, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passes out a sample of it."

Jeff Dunham: You're afraid of offending people?
Ahmed: Yeah.
Jeff Dunham: You're a terrorist. You kill people.
Ahmed: That's different. Killing people is easy; being politically correct is a pain in the ass.

Q: If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, What's a tiger?
A: A stri-ped!

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted because the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless, and your system is going to crash!
You can't say this?
What a shame, sir!
We'll find you another game, sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that is repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, because as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker is going to hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

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