SUNDAY JOKES - 80

 

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them."
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same handwriting as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know!"

Pre' means before...
'Post' means after...
To use both prefixes together would be preposterous!

A plumber was called to a woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived, he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked lady, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but he's going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."
The plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time!!!"

Death and taxes are inevitable...
But at least death doesn't get worse every year!

As a group of robbers entered the bank, their leader went to the manager and asked him to open the vault. He threatened the manager by saying, "If you try to do anything smart, you'll be fiction." The manager was confused and asked him, "Did you mean 'You are history'?" The robber angrily replied back, "Do not change the subject, okay?"

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your Mom.

A Canadian customer was calling to find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menu.
Agent: "Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command."
Caller: "Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?"
Agent: "Well, you just press Control-A."
Caller (after a pause): "Well, that's not working for me."
Agent: "Do you have a text document open in front of you?"
Caller: "Yes, I sure do."
Agent: "OK, now press Control-A."
Caller: "I am, but nothing happens."
Agent: "The text isn't highlighted?"
Caller: "No, there's no change at all."
Agent: "That's odd. If you press Control-A the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what's happening."
Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): "Listen. I'm pressing Control, eh? And nothing's happening, eh?"

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