TUESDAY JOKES - 82

 

Two businessmen in Penang were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be-opened new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, ' I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked
"What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left!"

"Madam, your husband must have absolute rest."
"Well, Doctor, he won't listen to me."
"A very good beginning, madam, a very good beginning!"

No matter how bad your last shot during your round of golf was, the worst is yet to come. 

This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, the whole year and eventually, a lifetime!

Mr. Rabbit is hopping along the forest one day, when he comes upon Mr. Bear taking a dump.
Mr. Bear says, "Mr. Rabbit, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
Mr. Rabbit replies, "No Mr. Bear, I don't. Why do you ask?"
So, Mr. Bear grabs Mr. Rabbit and wipes his ass on him!

One night there were three fugitives who escaped from jail. One was a blonde, one was a brunette and the other was a red-head. They had the police hot on their trail and quickly thinking, the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect to hide in. When all three were inside, the red-head, quickly thinking said they should all hid in old potatoes sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory. They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door. They looked at the sacks and said 'Hmm maybe they are hiding in these' The officer kicks the red-head's sack and she makes whimpering noises. 'Hmm just puppies in that sack' The officer kicks the brunette's sack and she makes mewing noises. 'Hmm just kittens in that sack' He says. He finally kicks the blonde's sack and he hears....
'POTATOES, POTATOES!'

Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. 

The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you inform about the former!

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating on proposing.
"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90!"

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely woman.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the colour didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore! Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked: ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ And so, here we are!”

Moral : Shop with your husband! Never leave home without him!

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