SATURDAY JOKES - 102

 

A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex.
He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that.
About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said.
It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table."

The doctor says, "Oh dear, I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." 

The lady replied, "That's very kind but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in any way!"

An opera singer said she could teach me how to hit high C...
I said, “No thanks. I’ve heard that pitch!”

A young woman said to her doctor, 'You have to help me, I am hurt all over.' 

'What do you mean?' said the doctor. The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, 'Ow, that hurts.' Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, 'Ouch! That hurts, too.' Then she touched her right earlobe. 'Ow, even that hurts.' 

The doctor asked the woman, 'Are you a natural blonde?' 'Why yes,' she said. 

'I thought so,' said the doctor. 'You have a sprained finger!'

A travelling salesman goes to a farm house for a night's stay. The farmer goes, I could put you up for one night but you'll have to stay in the barn. 

So, he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, Were you comfortable? He goes, I had a great time; I talked to all the animals. 

He goes, You talked to the animals? 

He goes, Yeah, I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six. 

The farmer goes, That's exactly right. 

He says, The horse tells me his name is Otis, you've owned him for 10 years. 

The farmer goes, That's incredible. 

And he goes, I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. 

And then I spoke to the sheep. 

And the farmer goes, Those sheep are lying!

The Norman king drove the Anglo-Saxons crazy at the Battle of Hastings. 

He was known as William the Bonkerer!

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" he asked.

"Oh, Bill, I hope you didn't," she said.

"Yes, I did," he told her.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" she asked.
"Oh... she got fired too!"

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it!

In a certain suburban neighbourhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. 

Whatever went wrong in the neighbourhood, it nearly always turned out they had had a hand in it. 

Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them and after hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they should ask the priest to talk to them.

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So, the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across from the huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief and quickly said, "We are in big trouble!"
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, big trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"

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