TUESDAY JOKES - 105

It was a black man.....a hungry, thirsty bum. He was looking for food in a garbage can when suddenly he found a can of Pepsi. He opens the can and a magic genie popped out.

"You get three wishes, be very careful and don't spoil them."
"OK, OK," and without hesitation, he says, "first I want to be white. Second, I want a lot of girls, naked girls, beautiful girls sitting on my face! And third, I want plenty to drink.... lots of water.
Bam, presto...the Magic Genie turned him into.....a toilet!

Women are like roads. 

The more curves they have, the more dangerous they are!

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"




Linda was with her mother while her older sister was being examined by a dentist. Linda kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting room until she noticed that her mom was resting, her eyes closed.
With about six other patients waiting, Linda marched up to her mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her shoulder.

"Mommy," she yelled, "Wake up! This is not a church!"

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is!

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. 

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, 'You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.' 'Forget the bonus,' the turkey said, 'All I want to know is, does the season go past Christmas Day?'

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't!

There is a clock on the oven!

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. 

He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. 

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife. 

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?" "Yes, my husband." "Are you happy?" "Yes, my husband." "Happier than you were with me?" "Yes, my husband." "Then Heaven must be an amazing place!" "I'm not in Heaven, dear!"

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