DOMINEERING BEHAVIOUR

 

The trouble with controlling relationships is that they seem normal at first. When the corrections come at every turn, when your friend, partner, or even your supervisor questions every decision you make and dictates every action you take, you might be dealing with a controlling person.

Understanding Controlling People.

It is likely your friend/partner/boss/spouse is a good person: Why would he or she try to control you?

There are a few explanations for controlling behaviour that may explain why a person wants to maintain control over a situation, or in this case, someone else:

• Insecurity - Controlling behaviour is often the result of fear or insecurity on the part of the controller, despite the image of strength and confidence he or she often projects.
• High-functioning anxiety - What might seem on the outside to be the pinnacle of organization, preparedness or leadership - he or she has the day planned down to the minute - could actually be the symptoms of high-functioning anxiety. “They may use control as a coping mechanism to create safety for their own spiraling worries and concerns. Being the one in charge serves them by allowing them more control over the little details.
• Low self-esteem - Counter-intuitively, a controlling person may also have serious issues with low self-esteem. Maybe he or she was abandoned as a child or experienced some other sort of lasting trauma. They cannot believe anyone would truly care about them, so they try to control or buy love.
• Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) - Even without poor self-image or past trauma, people who are controlling in one aspect of life might be subconsciously compensating for a lack of control in another. In extreme cases, the controller might even be suffering from OCD.

Understanding where controlling behaviour comes from does not make it any less frustrating, especially if the controller is a friend or loved one whom you do not want to remove from your life.

What Does Controlling Behavior Look Like?

OCD has been commandeered by contemporary culture to mean love for colour-coded day planners, the term “control freak” is often tossed about unceremoniously and synonymously with “type-A personality”. Simply, someone who likes things done their way.

But it is not always that simple, and what might initially seem like a relationship with a “type-A personality” can take a turn into a controlling relationship.

Signs of a controlling relationship.

Controlling relationships exist any time there is not an equal partnership present. While this can look like traditional forms of abuse, including physical, emotional, financial, and/or sexual abuse, it also can include communication styles that silence, belittle, or demean a partner.

Here are a few signs that you might be in an unhealthy controlling relationship:

• The person in question is constantly “checking in” with you, asking where you are and/or when you will be home.
• They flatter you and shower you with gifts until you feel you owe them and have to be nice. Then they gradually increase the pressure until they are not nice at all, and you are still being nice. Once they get there, they are controlling you.
• They tell you to change your clothes or even break off relationships.
• They dismiss your point of view, controlling patterns of behaviour are not always so overtly manipulative.

A controlling partner might insist on doing all the chores, for example. It might seem like a favour, but really, the controller wants things done his or her way. Typically, lack of flexibility or openness to feedback is a less apparent sign that this person is being controlled in some way. A controlling person might also make you feel guilty, whether intentionally or inadvertently.

How to Respond to a Controlling Person.

There is no single correct way to deal with a controlling person and the most effective response varies depending on the type of relationship. Across the board, the least productive response is to just give in - but there are ways to stand your ground without becoming overly combative.

Communicate.

If you wish to preserve and improve your relationship with a controlling person, let him or her know how you are affected by their behaviour. The controlling person probably is not aware of how you are feeling. When you do, it is essential to communicate how this behaviour is impacting you with the use of ‘I’ statements instead of blaming the other person.

Additionally, offer an alternative course of action to replace the controlling behaviour. Is your partner constantly making plans for you without asking first? Ask him or her to send you a calendar invitation instead. This helps the person know what to do and gives them an alternative and/or healthy behaviour to engage in.

Set boundaries.

You do not always have to say “no” to a controlling person; after all, there may be times when his or her opinion is helpful and sound. But constantly agreeing just to keep the peace will only reinforce the controlling behaviour and establish it as the norm.

If the controller makes a demand of you, ask yourself what you really want to do. Many people in controlling relationships lose touch with their internal cues and learn to silence their internal voice. The next step is assertively stating what you want and assertively saying ‘no’ when you are unwilling to do something.

Do not debate!

Make your choice and be firm, but do not waste energy trying to change the controller’s mind. That is likely to lead to a power struggle about the nature of reality - i.e., who is right - that could turn ugly. Politely agree to disagree and then end - or exit - the conversation.

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