A man was walking in the street when he heard a
voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall
down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in
front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while, he was
going to cross the road. Once again, the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand
still! If you take one more step a car will run-over you and you will
die."
The man did as he was
instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice
answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked... "And where the hell
were you when I got married?"
Dogs: "Oh My God, you're here all day and
this is the best as I can love you, see you, be with you and follow you! I am
so excited because you are the greatest and I love you being here so
much!
Cats: "What are you still doing here?"
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His
boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at
church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in
her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the
eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss
asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured
she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in!"
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did
you check for the pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check the blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law elsewhere!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
final examination. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being
here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room
raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and
snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the
student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write
the examination with your other hand!
Why do they call it the novel
coronavirus?
It is an extremely long story…
Two men were sitting at a bar at the top of a
skyscraper. Both were bending their elbows at a steady rate.
The first man said, "You know, there's such
an updraft on the outside of this building, that if you jump off, you'll fall
for a bit, but the updraft will catch you, and bring you right back up to this
balcony.
The second guy said, "I don't believe it,
you'll have to prove this to me."
So, the first guy goes over the balcony and jumps off. He
falls and falls and falls, and then he slows in mid drop and begins rising back
up. Finally, he lightly steps back onto the balcony. "See, I told
you," he says.
The second guy says, "I've got to try that." So, he
jumps off the balcony and falls and falls and falls and falls. Finally, splat
on the ground.
The first guy returns to the bar and orders another drink.
As he serves the drink, the bartender says,
"You're a wicked drunk, Superman!"
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico
City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a
Genie.
The Mexican is stunned.
The Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish,
anything you want."
The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like
drinking tequila." Finally, the Mexican says, "I wish to drink
tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."
The Genie grants him his wish.
When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the
cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like
tequila. Then smells the liquid...smells like tequila. So, he takes a taste,
and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come
quickly!"
She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes
another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is
tequila.
Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is
the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his
wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two
glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the couple
drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from
work and tells his wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and
we will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets
it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it,
his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"
Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI
AMOR, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."
ARRIBA!!!!!!! ARRIBA!!!!!!!!
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