MALAYSIA DAY HOLIDAY JOKES

Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots - one for me and one for my best buddy here."
The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour this?"
Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here."
With that, he pulls out a little three-inch man from his pocket.
The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some," the man retorted. So, the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"
Rodney flicks a penny down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Al, go get that penny!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the penny, and hauls it back down and gives it to Rodney.
The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's amazing," he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?"
Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure, he talks! Hey, Al, tell him about that time we were down in Africa on safari and you insulted the bartender!" "No, thank you" replied the bartender instantly!

“My friend won't leave California despite the earthquake risk. 

He is loyal to a fault.”

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive!

Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?

They dribble all the time!

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing...
If I had any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

I was sitting in my backyard, wondering how the birds could make so much noise...
Then it dawned on me, their talk is "cheep!"


Q: How can you tell if a blond is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for information on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database.
The newspaper insertion truly upsets and rankles him, so he decides to call Brad up.
"Brad, are you up yet?" asks Mike.
Brad sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Brad, open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
"OK, OK, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"
"Brad, have you opened the paper to page 31 already!"
"All right, don't be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"
"Brad, look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"
"Brad, please read the story at the bottom of the column!"
"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues...
Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, "So Mike, where are you calling me from, right now?"

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