SUNDAY JOKES - 19

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar-stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I have to explain it five times."

Man: "Oh Guru! Why is it that when I open my eyes in bed at night, I see an aura light around my wife's head? What does it all mean spiritually?"
Guru: "She's checking your cellphone."

Sue and Jane are shopping together at the supermarket. When they get to the vegetables, Sue hefts a good-sized potato in each hand and says, "You know, Jane, these remind me of John's balls."
Jane, impressed says, "Hmm, that big, huh?"
"No", Sue answers. "That dirty."

Here's my only thing with Harry Potter... They go to this school, and they take classes like Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions and Divination, but they should be taking mathematics also, right? Why are there no mathematics teachers at Hogwarts? Or history, or geography? They're getting tested on Care of Magical Creatures - never heard of the Holocaust.

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" 
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a RM 5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" 
The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" 
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night. Look at that moon!"
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You are wrong. That's not the moon; that's the sun! "Both continued arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking along. So, they stopped him and said, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk look at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

Computer Programming Language:

ADA: A Dumb Arrangement
BASIC: Badly Assembled, Severely Illogical Code
COBOL: Completely Outdated, Badly Overused Language
FORTRAN: Files Only Run Through Right At Never-neverland
LISP: Lots of Insanely Stupid Parentheses
PASCAL: Programmers Against Structured Code And Language.

The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a four-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro English (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy.

Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing public enthusiasm in the second year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 percent shorter.
In the third year, public acceptance of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the language is disgrasful, and they would go.

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