The
young male racehorse came from a long line of winners and did wonderfully in
workouts. However, in actual races, he proved a little too romantic, and could
never quite bring himself to pass a mare. So, one day the trainer went to him
and told him he'd have to be castrated.
The
young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it
philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee
of a long and illustrious racing career. After a short recovery period, the
horse was again run in workouts and found to do as well as ever.
But
the first time he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before
getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the
starting gates.
"What's
the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
"Yeah,
well how would you feel," replied the horse, "if five thousand people
took one look at you and shouted 'they're off!'?"
I
accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now
when I talk, I have this weird axe scent.
A truck
driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said, “low
bridge ahead.”
Before
he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he could not avoid getting
stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a “Truck Wedges”.
Cars
were backed up for miles.
Finally,
a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the
truck driver, put his hands on his hips, and said, “Got stuck, huh?”
The
gutsy truck driver said, “No officer, I was delivering this bridge and ran out
of gas!”
Patient:
Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my
temper with people.
Doctor:
Tell me about your problem.
Patient:
I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!
A
5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his
toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma
replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I have a set in my bedroom and
watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so
good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my
boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV but the picture clarity was horrible.
She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated,
she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The
little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door. When he
opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello
son is your grandma home?"
The
little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend."
Little
Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to
answer a question:
"Johnny,
if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how
many would be left ?"
"None.",
replied Johnny. "cause the rest would fly off."
"The
correct answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like your thinking."
Little
Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women
eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone,
and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?
"Well,"
said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking her cone?"
"No,"
said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I
like the way you think!"
A
Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on Highway 95 about 2 miles south of
the Georgia/South Carolina state line.
When
the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he
was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savanah to do a show that
night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.
The
Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would
do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The
driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and
didn't have anything to juggle.
The
Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and
asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper
got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While
the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A
drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly, he
then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper
observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and
asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The
drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no
way in hell I can pass that test."
A
big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a
royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his
employees.
None
of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse
was the only one who could stand up to him.
She
came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his
arms, and opened his mouth.
"No,
I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an
oral thermometer."
This
started another round of complaining, but eventually, he rolled over and bared
his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her
announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I
get back."
She
left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he
heard people walking past his door, laughing.
After
almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's
going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily,
the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc?" Haven't you ever seen
someone having his temperature taken before?"
After
a pause, the doctor confessed with a suppressed laugh in his voice, "Well,
no, I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation, anyway!"
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