SUNDAY JOKES - 81

 

Three guys, an Indonesian, a Thai, and a Malaysian signed up for the Police Academy. The Indonesian guy goes in first and the Captain says to him, "We have to ask you one question before we admit you in to the Academy, Who killed Jesus?"
The Indonesian guy says "The Romans did it." The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted."
The Thai guy goes in next. The Captain asks him the same thing. "We have to ask you one question first before you're admitted to the Police Academy. Who killed Jesus?" The Thai guy says "The Romans did it." The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted."
The Malaysian guy goes in and the Captain repeats the question. The Malaysian guy says, "Gee, I don't know." The Captain tells him to go home and think about it for a week and come back and tell him. The Malaysian guy goes home and his wife asked him how his first day went at the Academy, and he says to her, "You won't believe it! My first day on the job and they assigned me to a murder case!"

Q: Why did the tomato turn red?

A: It saw the salad dressing!

 

A physician had just finished up a colonoscopy.
Before the patient leaves, he asks the physician, "Could you write a note for my wife, saying that my head isn't really down there?"

Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."
Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."

"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl. "But I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand on his.
"Why yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some lingerie!"

Stare at the computer screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce. 

"A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"
"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.
"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"
"My husband is eighty-seven."
"My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?"
"Next September will be sixty-two years."
"Married sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?"
"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough!"

Sandra and her husband Jim are expecting a baby in 2 months. One day, Jim comes home from work and asks Sandra, "Why haven't we made love in a long time?"
"You know I'm worried it will hurt the baby," Sandra told him.
"I'll be really gentle. I promise," Jim tells her.
Sandra protests but Jim manages to finally convince her that he won't hurt the baby so they made love.
Two months later Sandra gives birth to a baby boy. 

When the baby was two years old, he looked at the doctor and says, "Are you, my father?" The doctor shakes his head in denial.
Then to Sandra, "Are you, my father?" "No, I'm your mother," she tells him.
Finally, the baby sees Jim and says, "Are you, my father?" Jim nods.
The baby starts hitting him on the head and says, "How does this feel?"

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