SUNDAY JOKES - 148

 

Frank and Jim are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, "Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"

Frank says, "Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We've been best friends since school and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you."

So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says, "Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?"
Jim says, "Frank, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son's wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you."
They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank, "Frank, if you had two chickens..."
"Now hold on there! Jim, you jolly well know I've got two chickens!"

The teacher asks, "Ahmad, why aren't you writing?"

"I don't has a pencil."

"Ahmad, that's not a correct sentence. The correct way is: I don't have a pencil, he doesn't have a pencil, we don't have a pencil."
"Who stole all the pencils then?"

 

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put one bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks!"

 

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs!"

 

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won the first prize!"

 

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of the Empire State building and the planes started to attack her!"

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight!"

 

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it!"

 

"One day...as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy...Hey buddy...why are you doing that for? He said, because you came home early!"

 

I am in the chemist lab and I said to the assistant, “What gets rid of germs?”
She said, "Ammonia cleaner."
I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here...”

One day St. Peter saw a street gang walking up to the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some low-life street gang members at the Gates. What do I do?"
God relied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Redirect them."

St. Peter went back to carry out the order but he suddenly came running back and yelling, "God, God, they're gone! They're gone!"

"The street gangs?"
"No, the Pearly Gates!"

 

If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be...

There's no need to remind her every hour!

 

Doctor: What's wrong with your brother?
Boy: He thinks he is a chicken.
Doctor: Really? How long has this been going on?
Boy: Five years.
Doctor: Five years!

Boy: We would have brought him in earlier but we needed the eggs!

 

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they could get under way.

The pilot and the co-pilot finally appeared in the rear of the plane and began walking up to the cockpit through the centre aisle. Both appeared to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers did not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines started revving, and the airplane began moving down the runway.
The passengers looked at each other with some uneasiness. They started whispering among themselves and looked desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane started accelerating rapidly and the people began panicking. Some passengers were praying and as the plane got closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices were becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane had less than twenty feet of runway left, there was a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screamed at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

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