SATURDAY JOKES - 154

 

A blonde is speaking to a psychiatrist.
Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How does that work?"
Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is the case?"

Blonde, "I figured it out that when I'm driving around, my post code keeps changing!"

One day a man called the church office and said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"
The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?
The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"
She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"
To this, the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the church building fund . . ."

To this, the secretary quickly responded, "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"

I've never been married...
... but I've had a few near Mrs.!!!

One day a guy walks into a bar and asks for five shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks why.
The guy says, "I found out my brother is gay."
The same guy comes in the next day and asks for ten shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks why.
The guy says, "I found out my other brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes in and asks for fifteen shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks why.
The guy says, "I found out my youngest brother is also gay."
The bartender says, "Doesn't anyone in your family like ladies anymore?"

The guy says, "Yeah, my sister!"

What did the former boxer-turned-barista ask his patrons?
"You want one lump or two???"

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand-new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read "Best Deals".
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading "Lowest Prices".

The shopkeeper panicked until he got a brilliant idea. 

He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read... "Main Entrance"!

 

There was a blonde driving in her car on the highway. She crashed into a car in front of her and a cop came over to her and said "Madam, what is wrong?" 

She said officer no matter where I turn there is a tree. If I turn left, right, there is a tree. The officer leaned over and said "Madam, that is your air freshener!"

 

A 76-year-old woman walked down the hallway of Clearview Addictions Clinic, searching for the right department. She passed by signs for the "Heroin Addiction Department (HAD)," the "Smoking Addiction Department (SAD)" and the "Bingo Addiction Department (BAD)." Then she spotted the department she was looking for: "Facebook Addiction Department (FAD)."

It was the busiest department in the clinic, with about ten dozen people filling the waiting room, most of them staring blankly into their Blackberries and iPhones. 

A middle-aged man with unkempt hair was pacing the room, muttering, "I need to milk my cows. I need to milk my cows."

A twenty-something man was prone on the floor, his face buried in his hands, while a curly-haired woman comforted him.
"Don't worry. It'll be all right."
"I just don't understand it. I thought my update was LOL-worthy, but none of my friends even clicked the 'like' button."
"How long has it been?"
"Almost five minutes. That's like five months in the real world."
The 76-year-old woman waited until her name was called, then followed the receptionist into the office of Alfred Zulu, Facebook Addiction Counselor.
"Please have a seat, Edna," he said with a warm smile. "And tell me how it all started."
"Well, it's all my grandson's fault. He sent me an invitation to join Facebook. I had never heard of Facebook before, but I thought it was something for me because I usually have my face in a book."
"How soon were you hooked?"
"Faster than you can say 'create a profile.' I found myself on Facebook at least eight times each day - and more times at night. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night to check it, just in case there was an update from one of my new friends in India. My husband didn't like that. He said that friendship is a precious thing and should never be outsourced."
"What do you like most about Facebook?"
"It makes me feel like I have a life. In the real world, I have only five or six friends, but on Facebook, I have 674. I'm even friends with Juan Carlos Montoya."
"Who's he?"
"I don't know, but he's got 4,000 friends, so he must be famous."
"Facebook has helped you make some connections, I see."
"Oh yes. I've even connected with some of the gals from high school - I still call them 'gals.' I hadn't heard from some of them in ages, so it was exciting to look at their profiles and figure out who's retired, who's still working, and who's had some work done. I love browsing their photos and reading their updates. I know where they've been on vacation, which movies they've watched, and whether they hang their toilet paper over or under. I've also been playing a game with some of them."
"Let me guess. Farmville?"
"No, Mafia Wars. I'm a Hitman. No one messes with Edna."
"Wouldn't you rather meet some of your friends in person?"
"No, not really. It's so much easier on Facebook. We don't need to dress ourselves up. We don't need to take baths or wear perfume or use mouthwash. That's the best thing about Facebook - you can't smell anyone. Everyone is attractive because everyone has picked a good profile picture. One of the gals is using a profile picture that was taken, I'm pretty certain, during the Eisenhower Administration. "
"What picture are you using?"
"Well, I spent five hours searching for a profile picture, but couldn't find one I really liked. So, I decided to visit the local beauty salon."
"To make yourself look prettier?"
"No, to take a picture of one of the young ladies there. That's what I'm using."
"Didn't your friends notice that you look different?"
"Some of them did, but I just told them I've been doing lots of yoga."

"When did you realize that your Facebook addiction might be a problem?"

"I realized it last Sunday night when I was on Facebook and saw a message on my wall from my husband: 'I moved out of the house five days ago. Just thought you should know.'"
"What did you do?"
"What else? I unfriended him of course!"

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