TUESDAY JOKES - 342

                                                                       Sabah, Malaysia

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
“It`s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.
“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.

“Are you kidding?” she says. “He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!”

An old man walked into the confessional at the Catholic Church and said to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.”

The priest replied, “Well, my son when was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never Father, I’m a Protestant.”
The priest paused, and then asked, “So then, why are you telling me?”

“Hey Father, I’m telling everybody including you!”

A man was brought to a hospital with heavily fractured bones.

The doctor in the intensive care unit asks him, “Are you married?”

“No, I’ve been run over by a truck!”

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview.

The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question:

“How many D’s are there in “INDIANA JONES”? The brunette thinks for a second and responds “One”.
The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he’ll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.
The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: “How many D’s are there in INDIANA JONES”? She immediately says “One”. The interviewer says, “OK, we’ll let you know”.
Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: “How many D’s are there in INDIANA JONES”. She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: “2, 4, 6 …., hmmm – wait,… 2, 4, 6 …. can I borrow your calculator please?”
After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: “Thirty-two”
The interviewer is stunned and asks her: “Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?”
She starts singing “Da Da Dah Dahhh Dah Dah Da Da Dah Dahhh Dah Dah …”
(The theme song for Indiana Jones)

 

If your name is on the building, you’re rich…
If your name is on your desk, you’re middle-class…
If your name is on your shirt, you’re neither of the first two!

 

Do you know why the Cincinnati Bengals were the last soccer team to get a website?

Because they couldn’t put three W’s in a row!

In a busy city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini-skirt with matching leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus’s first step.
So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.
And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a big African man who was immediately behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
The pretty young woman went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!!!”

At this, the African man drawled, “Well madam, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends!”

A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left.
When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in front of the clerk. He noticed that she didn’t have any screws for it, so he asked her, “Do you want a screw for that hinge?”

She looked back at him and said, “No, but I’ll make love to you for that toaster in the window!”

What’s the difference between a RM 50 steak and a RM 99 steak?

February 14th!

 

Harry Truman was known for his blunt manner of speaking. When he made a speech at the Washington Garden Club, he kept referring to the “good manure” that needed to be used for the flowering plants.
Some society women complained to his wife, Bess. “Couldn’t you get the President to say ‘fertilizer’?” they asked.

Mrs. Truman replied, “Heavens, no! It took me twenty-five years to get him to say ‘manure!'”

 

How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?

It’s not hard!

 

A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the instructions on the paint can and it said…

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!

 

You have to stay in shape.

My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.

She’s 97 now and… We have no idea where she is now!

As usual, we remind you to take your Memo Plus Gold daily. It will help to keep you alert and mentally sharp. For more information or to order for Memo Plus Gold, please visit : https://oze.my