A guy
came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double
vodkas."
The
barman says, "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes,
I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The
next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the
bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've
just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On
the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, "Wow! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah,
my wife..."
After a
night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night
drink. "You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents
are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us."
Things
started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of
the man. "I have to go," he said.
"Well,
you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom,"
she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."
So,
he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head
around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just
use a paper towel?"
Three
blonds are walking down the street when they see some tracks. The first one said "I think they
are dog tracks", The second
one said, "I think they are cow tracks". The third one said, "I think they are Dodo bird
tracks". What happened next? They
all got hit by a train!
There was once a bass guitar player that was
getting a divorce from his wife. The court ordered that his wife was guaranteed
to HALF of what he owned.
So,
she got his E string and his D string.
A man was
in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood,
but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered
cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be RM13,500 for 'small, RM16,500 for
'medium, and RM24,000 for 'large.'
The
man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk
it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on
the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room and
found the man looking dejected.
'Well,
what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.
'She'd
rather remodel the kitchen.'
"I
have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.
"First
the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the
sample found on the victim's dress."
"Oh,
no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your
cholesterol is down to 140!"
When
we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then
apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It's all right?” Well, it isn't all
right so why don't we say, “That hurts, you stupid idiot?”
A deputy
police officer responded to a report of a bar-room disturbance. The
"disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed
almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and
Muhammad Ali too.
Said
the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better
than Houdini."
The
giant nodded.
"If
I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how
strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you
see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once
in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled, and jerked for four minutes. "I
can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are
you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he
replied. "I can't do it."
"In
that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
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