SUNDAY JOKES - 37

 

WOMEN
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend die. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.

I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.
"I'm assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?" I asked.
The waitress responded proudly, "I'm self-absorbed."

A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history."
So, the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"
"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."

What does the starship enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle around uranus and wipe out klingons.

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.
"Anything from RM 10 to RM 10,000."
"Can I see the RM 10 model?" said the customer.
The salesman put the device around the man's neck, and said: "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket."
"How does it work?" asked the customer.
"For RM 2, it doesn't work," said the salesman. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."

I’m giving up drinking until Christmas!
Sorry, bad punctuation.
I’m giving up, drinking until Christmas!

 

A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their lovemaking.
Finally, the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't stop.

The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try."
That didn't work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."
Still no success.
Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try."
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I got to see!"

Q. What did the willy say to the condom?
A. "Cover me. I'm going in."

A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. So, what are your plans?, the father asks the young man. I am a Torah scholar, he said. A Torah scholar, hmmm, the father says admirably, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to? I will study hard, the young man said, and God will provide for us.
And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves? asks the father. I will concentrate on my studies, the young man replies, God will provide for us.
And children? asks the father. How will you support children? Don't worry, sir, God will provide, replies the fiancé.
The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, how did it go, Honey?
The father answers, He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God.

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