THURSDAY JOKES - 41

 

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterward, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies...
"You just happened to catch my eye

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"We had it!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....."

Patient: Doctor, I'm thinking that I may be losing my hearing.
Doctor: Can you tell me what you know of the symptoms?
Patient: Homer is bald and fat, Marge has blue hair...

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the town's people sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure am not."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" 

The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

A mother was worried that her three-year-old son was unusually precocious, and took him to a psychiatrist.
"Right," said the shrink, "We'll just try a few simple tests." To the boy, he said, "Say a few words - anything that comes into your mind."
The boy turned to his mother and asked, "Does he want logically constructed sentences or just a few random and purely isolated words?"

We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why.
'Sir, as a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced.' As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that.
'Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands.' We replied, 'I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in.' 'Well,' replied the waiter, 'I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!'

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table were an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for RM 10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

 

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, how old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing, women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, fires off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the line of questioning, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about the conversation she had with her mother. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just like a report card from school. It tells you everything.
Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugs and says, I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You failed in sex."

As usual, we remind you to take your Memo Plus Gold daily. It will help to keep you alert and mentally sharp. For more information or to order for Memo Plus Gold, please visit : https://oze.my.