THURSDAY JOKES - 44

 

David had been extremely anxious for years. It got to the point where his compulsive worrying was ruining his life, so he went to a psychiatrist, who recommended that David hire a professional worrier. 
After he'd been working with the specialist for a few months, David's friend John noticed a change. "What happened?" John asked. "You don't worry about anything anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier!" David answered.
"That must cost a fortune," John said.
"Yes, he charges RM10,000 a month," David said sheepishly.
"Ten thousand ringgit! How can you ever afford to pay him?" John exclaimed.
"I don't know," David said. "That's his problem."

 

Can you please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman???
I almost got kidnapped 3 times today!!!

Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words "Defeat," "Defense," "Deduct," and "Detail."
Jack stood thinking for a while; all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he then proudly shouted out, "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."

 

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second-place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms...

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iBoob will cost from RM4,999 to RM6,999, depending upon the cup and speaker size.
The developers are hailing this as a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Our consumers need to own the biggest and most expensive version of just about everything. Our compulsive desire to drive off-road vehicles in cities and use corkscrews that resemble offshore drilling equipment is well documented. As marketing targets, men are suckers for terms like "professional" or "industrial strength," because inside every man is the germ of every profession, he ever imagined himself one day excelling at. Most of these purchases are harmless, little more than childish wish-fulfillment played out at a higher testosterone level. But occasionally we go too far. The guy upstairs from me once boasted that he had a filter that filled his flat with "operating theater-quality air." I kept him away from my surgical steel steak knives.

It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it... 
He keeps standing by the window, staring. 

If it continues like this, I’m going to have to let him in.

From: Hospital Director.

Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions.

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.
a) Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking), or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
b) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
c) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to shit), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch), or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome.
d) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
e) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
f) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
g) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
h) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there), or NLPR (no long-playing records).
I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.

As usual, we remind you to take your Memo Plus Gold daily. It will help to keep you alert and mentally sharp. For more information or to order for Memo Plus Gold, please visit : https://oze.my.