TUESDAY JOKES - 41

 

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up, he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously, "Is there a problem?"
The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes, "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy."
The patient is devastated and shockingly replies, "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection?"
The surgeon pauses for a moment then says, "Well, you might, but it won't be yours."

 

This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. 

It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.
I came into my house and told my dog... we laughed a lot.

Let me get this straight. We invade a country with oil, but gas costs more? That don't make any sense! 

I didn't go to no fancy school or nothing, but I'll tell you this right now - if I invade Kentucky Fried Chicken, wings will be cheap at my house.

A man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cave. He walked in and looked around only to discover a magic lamp buried in the sand.
He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, " You may have 3 wishes but whatever u wish for all the lawyers in the world will get double." The man agreed and said, " I want ten million ringgit." He got that and the lawyers got twenty million.
Next, he said, " I want a Ferrari." So, he got one and all the lawyers got 2. Next, being his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it carefully.
Finally, he said," Well I've always wanted to give a kidney."

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank the coffee before it was cool.

Old Josh sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.
"If you can get that worm back in that hole, I'll give you ten ringgit," said Josh.
His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten ringgit, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.
About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten ringgit.
"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten ringgit you promised."
"That's from your grandma," said Josh.

Ask anybody over 30 - if they tell you they have more than 10 friends, you know they're counting co-workers.

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for RM500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for RM500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes, I would!"
The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes, I would!'"
The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for RM500,000."
The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for RM500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes, I would!"
He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes, I would!'"
The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores." 

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