A little privacy, please

When I was in secondary school some donkey years ago, two cases involving students caught for indecent behaviour emerged, shocking the entire school.

The first case involved a Form 4 female student who was caught making out with a young man in his early 20s inside a school bus. Apparently, the student joined a school trip with her classmates and had summoned her boyfriend who was a few years older, to visit her at a rest house she was staying overnight.

As the girl was sharing the room with a few other students, they both sneaked out to the bus parked in front of the rest house and upon finding it empty, decided it was a perfect spot to get a little frisky.

The bus driver came out around midnight to inspect the bus and found the two lovebirds. Upon tying both, he then placed them outside the bus, seated on the tarred road.

Next, teachers and other students were called to the spot where the two young lovers were still tied up. They were then verbally abused, humiliated and paraded in front of everyone before being sent home.

As if that was not enough, the school principal then summoned the girl and her parents to her office where she decided to exercise her power on the girl, giving her a few rounds of slaps for bringing shame to the school.

The following week, the story went viral throughout the school. In just a day, everyone knew who the 16-year-old girl was.

Before the week was over, the girl left school.

Spending the night with a boyfriend

The second incident took place about a year later. This time around, it involved a Form 5 student who was caught after she spent the night at her boyfriend’s home.

This particular student came from a very poor background and was struggling with her studies. Her parents could not afford to send her for tuition like every other student preparing for their SPM. As such, a few female teachers came forward to offer help and with her parents’ consent, the girl began spending her weekends at her teachers' homes where they assisted her with revisions.

A few months later, news began to spread around the school about the girl being caught in close proximity to her teenage boyfriend. Apparently, the girl had skipped a few of her weekend lessons with her teachers, claiming that her parents needed her home, only to spend them with her boyfriend every time his parents weren’t home.

The boy’s neighbours observed the young couple for some time, suspecting them of committing khalwat. And so, during one of the weekends, a group of self-righteous neighbours broke into the house and found the couple together in a bedroom - he was in his t-shirt and shorts while she was in her nightgown.

The couple denied committing khalwat, but out of fear, they agreed to be married. And both of their parents, quite embarrassed by the ordeal, had no other choice but to consent to the marriage.

The seventeen-year-old couple were married in the next few weeks. I don’t know about the boy, but the girl quit school right after.

Recent case of indecency

Both the above incidents may have happened more than three decades ago, but unfortunately, nothing much has changed in the way we manage such delicate issues.

Even today, we still hear about teenagers and young adults who have been involved in some frisky business being publicly shamed by some members of our community who are obsessed with their high moral grounds.

The most recent case involved a 17-year-old girl who was having an intimate moment sitting on her 22-year-old boyfriend’s lap inside a car at a parking lot in Pasir Gudang, Johor. The incident happened around 3pm.

Two strangers who were in the area recorded the couple’s act before trying to obtain their MyKad. When the couple refused to comply, they were both threatened and chased.

When the 23-second video recording of the couple went viral, they were arrested for ‘gross indecency’ and placed under remand. Photos of them being escorted out of a police truck in remand clothing and handcuffs were paraded publicly in the media.

As a mother to two young adults who had their own romantic moments growing up, I feel very sad for the teenage girl and her boyfriend. My heart also goes out to both of their parents.

Being in love is not a bad thing

Teenage is an age of fantasy. During this time, there is an excruciating mix of vulnerability in teenagers - everything they do has a high-intensity feel about it. We know this because our own experiences - our first crush, first kiss, the first time we fell in love - still burn brightly decades later.

A teenager wishes to get everything she or he desires - being in a romantic relationship is one of them. But the inability of their immature brain to assess risk properly often gets them into trouble. This is the biggest worry for most parents.

Our responsibility as a parent is to keep our young ones safe. As they are still discovering many things about themselves, these young people sometimes make quick decisions and don’t always think through the consequences of their behaviour. And so, they need us to guide and support them whenever they make mistakes.

Parents like me know that the teenage years can be rough. Fortunately for many of us, we do not have to do it alone - we have family members, relatives and close friends as our support system. While it is true that it takes a village to raise a child, many forget that it also takes a community to raise a teenager and a young adult.

Having a healthy community that supports each other, in good times and in bad, is paramount to the well-being of every member of the community. Sadly, while we thump our chest as masyarakat Madani, our community doesn’t really care when it comes to our children’s welfare.

All three cases above could have been handled differently if only we cared enough. The bus driver could have sent the teenager back to her room and reported the matter to the teachers in charge, privately.

The neighbours could have insisted on meeting the boy’s parents to discuss their suspicion, privately. And the two men could have simply knocked on the car window and advised the couple to consider the consequences of their action, privately.

But no. We had to go big. We had to involve everyone and make a big mess. We had to make the news go viral.

We had to parade those young people and humiliate them like they were criminals when all they did was express love for one another the only way they knew. What is so wrong with that?

If only we could learn to manage delicate things such as this in a private manner instead of the big hoo-ha we are accustomed to, many teenagers and their parents would have felt safe, protected and cared for by their community.

I don’t know if things will improve in the next 30 years, but if we do not change the way we function as a community, a society and a nation, we can be sure that everything will stay the way it is. - Mkini

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FA ABDUL is a multi-award-winning playwright and director in the local performing arts scene, a published author, television scriptwriter, media trainer, and mother. Her ultimate mission in life is to live out of a small suitcase.

The views expressed here are those of the author/contributor and do not necessarily represent the views of MMKtT.