A man walked into a bar, sat
down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily
for several weeks.
Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you
always order three shots of whiskey?"
The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always
used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to
order the three shots in their honour."
The bartender thought that this
was a very noble thing to do and welcomed the man every time he visited the
bar.
Two weeks later, the man walked
into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised,
the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been
ordering three.
The man answered, "Oh,
I've decided to stop drinking!"
Before crowbars were invented...
...most crows drank at home by
themselves!
A Sunday school teacher was
discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds.
After explaining the commandment to “honour” thy Father and
thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat one
little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill!”
Why are men so bad at shopping?
We've never been trained to do it the right way.
Supermarkets are like giant
booby traps for males - which is why if you send a man out to get eggs, sugar
and bread, you should not be surprised if he returns home with a case of beer,
a pair of jeans and a tree!
A woman found herself standing
at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted her and said, "These are the Gates
to Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."
The woman was very excited and asked St. Peter what she must
do.
"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.
"What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your
choice."
The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell
is love. L-O-V-E."
St. Peter welcomed her in and asked her if she would mind
taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. So, the
woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair when a man approaches the gates, and
she realizes it is her husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you
here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I
was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in an accident. Did I really make
it to Heaven?"
"Not yet," she replied, "You must spell a word
first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded,
"Czechoslovakia!"
“Did you hear about the lost
sausage?
It was the missing link!”
My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because
you procrastinate."
I said, "Just wait!"
An old man went to a whorehouse and said to the manager that
he wanted something different.
So, the manager sent him up to room "69".
He got in there and this woman named Hurricane Sally stripped
him down and began working wonders.
Suddenly she pissed on his stomach, he asked, "What the
hell was that?"
She replied, "That is the cooling rain falling all over
you."
She got at it again and farted in his face.
He said, "What the hell was that?"
She then again replied, "That is the warm ocean winds
blowing."
Suddenly the man got up and started to get dressed.
Hurricane Sally said, "Where are you going?"
He said, "Hell, a man can't make love in this kind of
weather!"
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