SUNDAY JOKES - 154

 

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. 

"I've got some good news and some bad news," the Lord said.

Adam looked at the Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, the Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is popularly called a willy. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time!"

 

Men are like fine wine. 

They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something, you would want to have dinner with!

 

There was a blonde. She had never been on horseback riding and decided to try, even though she had no prior experience. So, the blonde gracefully mounted the horse. The horse started off at an easy gallop, the blonde thought she was doing quite well. Then all of a sudden, she began to slip! She tried to grasp the horse's mane but it was too slick! So, she decided to jump to safety....so she jumped, but her foot was caught in the stirrup! She was at the mercy of the horse's feet, and right before she was knocked unconscious.... the manager of Tesco walked out and turned the horse off!

 

News Correspondent: Why did you flee from the police and start a dangerous car chase that caused multiple wrecks along the North-South Expressway?

Prisoner: Well, you see ma'am, my buddy and I were talking and he runs a towing company. He said business had been really slow lately due to the pandemic. He told me if I could wreck at least 15 cars he could get me a free room and board, 3 free meals a day, and I wouldn't have to work another day in my life!

 

A lumberjack once told me he's cut down 27,653 trees.
“How do you know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log!”

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr. Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." 
"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology!"

 

Finding one of her students making faces at others at the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said " Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that".

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned!"

 

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all-out..... a caterer, a band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bumps, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her outback. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.
The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bumps doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him RM 200!"
The other bum says, "Well, I don't know. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR RM 200, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

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