SUNDAY JOKES - 166

 

Bukit Jambul, Penang, Malaysia

Hisham is applying for a job as a signalman for Keretapi Tanah Melayu and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Hisham a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Hisham says: "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers Hisham.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Hisham continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Hisham argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station."
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Hisham, "in that case I would run into town and get my Pakcik Hitam.
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash!"

 

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments!

 

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five!

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!

 

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals.
The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.
"It had two saggy breasts, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy.
"Oh, bugger!!" said the farmer. "You've shot my wife!"

At a girl's college dormitory, dates were permitted only on Saturday night. One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately.
"I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother."

"Oh, she'll be surprised, all right," said the woman. "But think of how surprised I am! I'm her mother!"

 

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in!"

A couple went for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and ordered Chicken Surprise. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hadn't seen, so, she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ahh, so sorry," says the waiter, "I brought you Peeking Duck!"

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. 

He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much!"

 

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message… She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” 

Her husband texted back: “I’m in the toilet, please advise!”

 

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off… After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I’m afraid to pee!

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