SATURDAY JOKES - 222

 

Teluk Batik Camosite, Lumut, Perak, Malaysia

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow as everyone else does."

 

I don't like cell phones. I'm never sending another text message as long as I live because I don't like a phone that tries to predict the words I'm trying to send to people. Cause I move quickly. Last week I ended up sending a text that read, hey baby, I had a great night. I hope you have a home day. But I meant to text, you should get tested.

Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work?
A: In case they have to draw blood.

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.

 

An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth. He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said:
"May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college".
A young man opened the door and let him in.
The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.
He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator, and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed."
When examining it he found a young girl under the bed.
The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me. She is my sister. She dropped her earring and is searching for it."
The old man said, "And the same old story..."

 

Teacher: “What is the difference between ‘Tea’ and ‘Tee’?
Student: "The first one is a drink and the second is an incorrect spelling."

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said the teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy, confidently. "Means carrying a child."

 

George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.
George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."
George: "But Honey, I promise that I won't drink a drop of alcohol all night!"
So, after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK to go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.
George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.
George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"
Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.
Bill: "All you got to do is have a RM 20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 ringgit to get the shirt cleaned."
So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.
George's wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"
George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 ringgit to have it cleaned."
His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two RM 20 bills.
George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20-ringgit bill come from?"
George: "Oh, that's from the guy who shit in my pants."

As usual, we remind you to take your Memo Plus Gold daily. It will help to keep you alert and mentally sharp. For more information or to order for Memo Plus Gold, please visit : https://oze.my.

I don't believe in death penalty, but…

 

I remember reading about Zulfarhan Osman Zulkarnain many years ago and felt so much pity for him and his family.

The late Universiti Pertahanan Nasional Malaysia (UPNM) student was murdered by his fellow students in such a brutal way. I would repeat it here, but I think many of you are already familiar with the torture that he went through at the hands of his murderers.

In the last few days, we have all seen in the media that the six former UPNM students who were initially convicted of causing death with no intent to kill have now had their conviction changed by a three-person Court of Appeal bench to full-blown murder. Their 18-year prison sentence has also now been converted to death by hanging.

There seem to be a lot of people on social media who agree with this new development. I wouldn’t blame them. Looking at the public explanation of the bullying that was inflicted on Zulfarhan, I am sure many are very angry at the six bullies.

Another 12 students who were charged with causing injury to Zulfarhan had their three-year sentence increased to four.

Zulfarhan Osman Zulkarnain

Reading the news reports on how the bench came to their ruling, again I stress that I agree the torture they inflicted against Zulfarhan was severe and inhumane.

Dishing out punishment that is equal in severity does seem just, especially if you think of the family members and loved ones of the victim and how they feel about the whole thing.

Capital punishment

This leads me to the dilemma that I have when it comes to the death penalty. Being a self-proclaimed progressive individual, in theory, I have always been against capital punishment when it comes to the justice system.

I have been publicly vocal about this too, writing several times in the media about how I feel about it, even on this platform on Malaysiakini.

I believe in rehabilitation more than punishment and the term restorative justice is very appealing to me. This form of punishment emphasises repairing the harm that has been caused by the crime.

It allows the offender to be accountable and take responsibility for what they did, while also letting the victims (or their families) be a part of the process.

The fact that our current government abolished the mandatory death sentence is evidence that the country is moving progressively forward (although the penalty is still available for the courts to use, as seen in the Zulfarhan murder case).

The death penalty has always been seen as a punishment that is not aligned with human rights because it doesn’t allow for redemption or rehabilitation.

Zulfarhan’s father Zulkarnain Idros

However, I can imagine how it would be a challenge to convince Zulfarhan’s family members of the merits of restorative justice (again, I don’t fault them).

There is so much belief in how justice should be about an eye for an eye in our society that creating awareness for a different form is difficult, and a case so clear cut like Zulfarhan’s just warrants the emotions that it should be an eye for an eye.

Our education system

There are many reasons why we should argue against the death penalty and capital punishment.

The fact that it can be open to abuse with a risk of a lack of transparency and if there are wrongful convictions and bias, especially when it comes to the marginalised and underprivileged, which are big concerns we cannot deny or cover up.

However, at the moment, our heart goes out to Zulfarhan and his family. What happened was horrific, made no sense, and was totally unnecessary. If anything, the real discussion we need to have is what happened to cause these 18 university students to act so barbaric and inhumane.

Is there something wrong with our education system? How about the family institution?

These students were supposed to be the future of our nation having been accepted to study in one of our country’s universities. Yet, the way they decided to handle a simple issue of a missing laptop shows that something went wrong somewhere.

There are other cases like this, such as the death of teenager T Nhaveen and naval cadet J Soosaimanicckam.

T Nhaveen

We need to get to the bottom of it to make sure we avoid any such tragic incidents from happening ever again because these are senseless deaths.

At this particular time, I would much rather discuss improving our education system and the morality of our youth rather than talk about the abolishment of the death penalty and capital punishment. - Mkini

---

ZAN AZLEE is a writer, documentary filmmaker, journalist and academic. Visit fatbidin.com to view his work.

The views expressed here are those of the author/contributor and do not necessarily represent the views of MMKtT.