Two
English butchers, who hated each other, were doing business across the street
from each other for ten years. For the full ten years they always competed for
the other's business.
One butcher would put up a sign
reading, "Sirloin: £2.50 a pound" and the other would put up a sign
"Sirloin: £2 a pound." The first would put up a sign reading,
"Whole lamb loin: £1.85 a pound" and the second would, again,
underpriced him.
This
went on for the full ten years; back and forth, back and forth.
One day
the first butcher got a bright idea. Instead of advertising his prices he
placed a professionally painted sign reading, "The Queen buys all her
meats here."
The next day another professionally painted sign
appeared in the window of the butcher shop across the street which read,
"God save the Queen!"
Did you
have lucky charms for breakfast?
Because you look magically delicious!
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments
and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor
asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal
advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the
lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a
try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the
doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he
found a bill from the lawyer!
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get
back together again.
MAN, I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!
A large two-engine train was crossing America.
After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No
problem," the driver thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on
down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.
The driver decided he should inform the
passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following
announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad
news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here
for some time.
The good news is that you decided to take the
train and not fly!"
There are 20 angels in the world. 11 are playing,
eight are sleeping, and one is standing in front of me!
When I moved out to Los Angeles they told me I
had to work out. I was like, I don't want to do that. They gave me this
trainer, and the dude was like... the most important thing is, you can't eat
late at night or you'll get fat.
And I'm like, forget that, you supposed to eat
late at night.
He was like, no you are not.
I'm like, well, why then do they put a light in
the refrigerator?
Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred
dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in
the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two
executives lived like princes.
Almost overnight, things
changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business
failed, and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Bill and Moe blamed each
other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.
Five years later, Bill drove up
to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly
wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Bill looked up and
gasped.
"Moe!" he said,
shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as
bad as this."
"Yeah," Moe said with
a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here!"
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