THURSDAY JOKES - 16

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, 

"I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."
"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. 

"Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. 

Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favour 15 to 2."

My pet mouse Elvis died today... 
He was caught in a trap.



"Take it easy, Doc -- you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

Why do men like to watch porno movies backward?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.


Q: If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped. 

What is a tiger?
A: A stri-ped!

Q: What did the lion say to her cubs when she taught them to hunt?
A: 'Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.' 

It was the middle of the night. Suddenly there was a loud rapping on the doctor’s door, followed by a groan. 

The doctor angrily thrust his head out of the window. “WELL?” he shouted.
“No,” moaned the man. “SICK.”

Los Angeles is a very confusing place, the only place I know where you can have, simultaneously, a drought and a flood. 

Every time you watch the weatherman, he goes, rained all day, didn't help the drought. 

Back to you, Tom. I got news for you, folks. 

If water doesn't solve your drought, you're screwed.

When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. 

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on Tampax, supersize, please.

" As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the store misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks." 

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, 

"Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

As usual, we remind you to take your Memo Plus Gold daily. It will help to keep you alert and mentally sharp. For more information or to order for Memo Plus Gold, please visit : https://oze.my.

Coroner visits Nora Anne’s death site ahead of inquest

A woman takes a picture of a poster showing Nora Anne Quoirin after the teenager went missing in Seremban last year. (Bernama pic)

SEREMBAN: A coroner inspected a resort and nearby jungle here today ahead of an inquest into the death of a Franco-Irish teenager during a family holiday there last year.

Nora Anne Quoirin, 15, disappeared from the Dusun Resort and her unclothed body was found later after a massive hunt through dense rainforest not far from where she had been on holiday with her London-based family.

Her parents say they believe there was a “criminal element” to her death as the teen had learning difficulties and would not have wandered off alone, but police insisted there was no sign of foul play.

The girl disappeared on Aug 4 last year, a day after arriving at the resort, triggering a 10-day hunt involving hundreds of people, helicopters and sniffer dogs.

An autopsy found Nora probably starved and died of internal bleeding after about a week in the jungle, and authorities classified the case as “requiring no further action”.

But her family pushed for an inquest, and a coroner has set dates from Aug 24 to Sept 4 for one to take place.

Today, the coroner, prosecutors and the family’s lawyer, under police escort, inspected the resort and the area where her body was found.

“The coroner took the opportunity to visit the place where the victim stayed and where the body of Nora was found,” Negeri Sembilan deputy police chief Che Zakaria Othman told reporters after the three-hour tour.

Zakaria said the visit was to give the coroner “preliminary insight” on the location of the tragedy.

The Quoirin family’s new lawyer, S Sakthyvell, described the site visit as “quite thorough”.

“She (the coroner) visited the Dusun resort, the waterfall, she walked in a stream and went to the location where the body was found,” Sakthyvell told AFP.

He added that the teen’s parents would not be present during the inquest proceedings due to coronavirus-related restrictions, but would be interviewed by the coroner over a conferencing platform.

The proceedings will also be streamed live online, he said.

Sixty-four witnesses are expected to be called, the family’s previous lawyer SN Nair said earlier. - FMT

Now court, not compounds, for those who breach quarantine

Since July 24, those returning to Malaysia from abroad have had to undergo the 14-day isolation period at quarantine centres.

KUALA LUMPUR: Senior Minister for Security Ismail Sabri Yaakob says the authorities will no longer issue compounds to those who breach their Covid-19 quarantine but will take them to court instead.

At a press conference here today, he said it would be up to the courts to decide on the sentence, which could include a jail term.

Commenting on the index case of the Sivagangga cluster who breached home quarantine orders and spread the virus to neighbouring Perlis and Penang, Ismail urged people to follow SOPs and to stay at home until the 13th day to get re-tested for Covid-19.

“Strict action will be taken against those who breach home quarantine orders and leave their house still wearing their wristbands.

“It is then up to the court to decide on the sentence, such as a fine or jail time,” he said.

Meanwhile, he said 184 people were detained yesterday for flouting SOPs under the recovery movement control order, 49 of whom were remanded and 135 issued compounds.

He also said that fees for quarantine centres must now be paid upfront upon arrival at the airport.

He said this was because some foreigners had refused to pay the fees after completing their stay at the designated centres.

“As a result, we have decided to make it compulsory for them to pay for their stay at hotels or public training centres immediately after they get through immigration.

“Should they refuse, we will not allow them to pass and they will have to stay at the airport.” - FMT

Reduce fine for not wearing face masks, MPs tell govt

Bandar Kuching MP Kelvin Yii (middle) and Kluang MP Wong Shu Qi (4th left) in a press conference at Parliament today.

KUALA LUMPUR: Two MPs today urged the government to reduce the fine for those caught disobeying the rule for the mandatory use of face masks in public places, calling the RM1,000 compound “excessive”.

Bandar Kuching MP Kelvin Yii and Kluang MP Wong Shu Qi said their petition for the fine to be reduced from RM1,000 to RM250 was supported by 78 MPs from both sides of the political divide.

“We fully understand the rationale for implementing the mandatory face mask-wearing policy… (but) the RM1,000 compound is way too excessive for ordinary Malaysians during these economically trying times,” said Yii.

“We feel the fine is too high, especially for the B40 (low-income) households and students. We have received a lot of comments from the public about this,” he added in a press conference at the Parliament lobby.

The use of face masks in public places was made mandatory on Aug 1.

Stressing that punishments must be in line with the crime, Yii said the compound for smoking in prohibited areas was only RM250.

In Australia, he said, the fine for not wearing a face mask is A$200, about 6.7% of the country’s minimum wage.

In Malaysia, meanwhile, the RM1,000 fine is 83% of the minimum wage.

Wong, meanwhile, said there had been “double standards” since the rule came into effect as no action was taken against ministers seen attending crowded events without face masks or without using them properly.

“I think the issue here is clear,” she added. “We don’t want a government which has double standards.”

Adding that the “ruling (class)” could afford to pay the fine, she said ordinary people would feel the pressure.

“We even saw a boy weep when he was issued a compound for not wearing a face mask properly a few days ago.”  - FMT

Kasthuri slams old fake news being recirculated, urges police to act

DAP Batu Kawan MP Kasthuriraani Patto has urged the authority to act against an image being circulated claiming she supported a suggestion to replace mosques with churches.

In a text message to Malaysiakini, she said action should also be taken against those who shared such fake news.

She was referring to a six-year-old image making its rounds again on social media since last week.

The text in the image purported that she supported the false statement of her colleague Teresa Kok to replace all mosques all over the country with churches if DAP won the 2018 general election.

The image quoted her as saying, "DAP will open more than 5,000 gambling centres and massage parlours after GE14 in the Batu Kawan parliamentary constituency and the Perai state constituency".

"I call upon the Ministry of Multimedia and Communications and the police to act swiftly against people who share fake news like this. It will set a precedent that the long arm of the law will get you.

"I ask for the same treatment and speed when one insults people of higher positions and they have to face the music," Kasthuriraani said in her text message.

The image in question also emerged during the 2018 general election, prompting her to lodge a police report, she said.

"This fake image has now been revived after six years. I never issued such a statement.

"Three police reports had been lodged in 2018. The police informed (me) that a Facebook account owner was found to be in a hospital," she added. - Mkini

Hassan, Nazri moot 'modernising' Sedition Act to include element of intent

PARLIAMENT | A bipartisan proposal to amend the Sedition Act by including the element of intent was made in the Dewan Rakyat today.

It was brought forth by Hassan Abdul Karim (Harapan-Pasir Gudang) and supported by Nazri Abdul Aziz (above) (BN-Padang Rengas).

At present, a person can be charged and convicted under the Sedition Act even if they did not have any intent to make seditious remarks.

This is as Section 3 (3) of the pre-Merdeka law says that a person's intention is irrelevant, an element which the Court of Appeal once ruled unconstitutional before it was overturned on a technicality.

Speaking in the Lower House today, Nazri while debating the merits of the National Unity Ministry, said the Sedition Act was needed to ensure peace among the country's multiracial society.

He added that it was not the Act's fault if it is abused, but noted the need to "modernise" it to reflect the current situation.

"If a leader abuses the Act for self-interest, we should 'burn' that leader, not throw away this Act."

Hassan (above) interjected by asking if the element of mens rea (intent) should be inserted into the Act.

"We should include that element of intent if we want to prove someone is guilty (of sedition)," the PKR lawmaker said.

Nazri welcomed the proposal and agreed that intent is important.

"What you said is right, there must be an element of intent to cause conflict," the former law minister said.

Hanipa Maidin (Harapan-Sepang) then asked whether the Sedition Act was "inherently wrong" and not a good Act that was open to abuse, because the 1948 law had many problematic elements.

This, he said, includes that a "seditious tendency" was enough for a conviction.

However, Nazri responded that the Sedition Act should not be viewed through a "western" lens, and should instead be looked at in the local context.

The Umno backbencher said that some acts may not cause problems in western countries, such as eating pork in front of Muslims, or slaughtering cows in front of Hindus.

However, in Malaysia, eating pork in front of a mosque, or slaughtering a cow in front of a Hindu temple will cause anger, and as such the element of tendency in the Sedition Act is still relevant here, Nazri added. 

Previously, abolishing the Sedition Act was part of Pakatan Harapan's election manifesto.

There were plans to replace the law with a new one, but nothing came of it.

Nazri and Hassan were speaking during the debate on a bill to restructure Budget 2020 to take into account the new ministries created when the Perikatan Nasional government took over in February.

The restructuring bill does not include additional expenditure. - Mkini

Minister: Max RM500,000 penalty for face masks sold above RM1 price cap

Minister of Domestic Trade and Consumer Affairs Datuk Alexander Nanta Linggi warned retailers and individual sellers against attempting to circumvent the ceiling by masking their prices. — Picture by Yusof Mat Isa

KUALA LUMPUR, Aug 13 — Retailers may be fined up to RM500,000 for selling three-ply surgical face masks above RM1 once the price ceiling takes effect Saturday, said Domestic Trade and Consumer Affairs Minister Datuk Alexander Nanta Linggi said.

The fine was derived from the Price Control and Anti-Profiteering Act 2011 that also provided for compounds of up to RM250,000 per offence.

Individuals committing the offence could be compounded up to RM50,000 per offence or imprisoned up to three years and given a maximum fine of RM100,000 if convicted, he added.

The minister also warned retailers and individual sellers against attempting to circumvent the ceiling by masking their prices.

“For individuals who fail to display the price of the controlled item, they can be fined up to RM50,000 or compounded up to RM25,000, while companies can be fined up to RM100,000 or compounded up to RM50,000,” he told reporters during a press conference at the Parliament building here today.

According to Alexander, enforcers conducted 47,703 checks on face mask prices up to August 11, resulting in the seizure of 55 boxes of masks valued at RM536,951 and the issuance of RM392,400 in compounds.

The new RM1 ceiling was a reduction from the RM1.20 maximum that was previously announced.

The RM1.20 price was itself already a reduction from the RM2 maximum that was introduced on a March 18 in an attempt to encourage local production and imports amid a shortage then. - malaymail