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Saturday, January 18, 2025

SATURDAY JOKES - 247

 

Sudden surge of cockles (kerang) at Sura Beach, Dungun, Terengganu, Malaysia on 15 January 2025.

A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened.
“Is the housewife in?” he asked. The servant replied: “Just a moment.” The wife comes out.

Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.
Husband: Guess what? I am rich.
Wife: How?
Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear, and sleep on the sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand, I got rich fast.
Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed…I got REAL rich.

 

Mother: I think our son is going to be an astronaut.
Father: What makes you think that?
Mother: I spoke to his teacher today. She said he is taking up space.

 

In October, a cleaning crew accidentally tossed out an exhibit at the Museum of Discovery and Science in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

The exhibit consisted of 14,000 cigarette butts – the amount a smoker produces in a lifetime – crammed into coffee cans.

Said the curator, in defense of the cleaning crew, “The butts didn’t smell very good.”

 

I think they named oranges before they named carrots. What are these? Those are oranges.

What about these? Oh, shit. Long panties? Yes, they go by shapes now?

 

A young gay man calls home and tells his mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.
She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, “I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Christian?”
He tells her that not only is the girl is a Christian but is from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, “What is her name?”
He answers, “Monica Lewinsky.”
There is a long pause, then his mother asks, “What happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating last year?”

 

A young man from Sandakan moves to Kuching and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job. The manager asks, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid replies, “Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesmen back in Sabah.”
The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You can start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid responds, “One.”
The boss says, “Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”
“RM 401,237.65.”
“RM 401,237.65? Holy Cow! What did you sell to him?”
“First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn’t think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4×4 truck with all the bells and whistles.”
“A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!”
“No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend is short. You should go fishing.'”

 

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.
The dealer tells him, “Look, I have a lot of models, but why don’t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.”
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. “How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?” the man asks himself. “I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day,” the man tells himself.
So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still, he only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. “The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer,” the man says to himself.
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man’s claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, “Hmm, it looks fine.”
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, “What’s that noise?

 

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a cafĂ©, the little old man says, “Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gasworks, and I gave you one from behind.”
“Why, yes, I remember it well, dear,” replies the little old lady with a grin.
“Well, for old time’s sake, let’s go there again. and I’ll give you one from behind.
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady’s hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man had ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don’t move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this – not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, “I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years’ time!”
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, “Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What’s your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?”
The pensioner replies, “Son, 50 years ago, that blooming fence wasn’t electrified.”

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How ‘Prof Kangkung’ cherry-picks 11 lines out of 111 pages from Hannah’s book to derive conclusion

 

AS liberal-minded Muslims continue to wonder how fragile one’s faith is to be so easily shaken by the spiritual-centric Becoming Hannah: A Personal Journey, Universiti Utara Malaysia (UUM) lecturer Dr Kamarul Zaman Yusoff has admitted that he has “consciously” cherry-picked in his commentary of the autobiography.

This came about as the controversial political analyst who has been dubbed “Prof Kangkung” by his detractors told the Kuala Lumpur High Court yesterday (Jan 17) that his views on Youth and Sports Minister Hannah Yeoh’s writing were only based on 11 uncomplete lines from the book’s entire 111 pages.

Telling this to lawyer Sangeet Kaur Deo in his defence at the trial of a defamation suit filed by the DAP lawmaker, Kamarul had also tended to be fiddling around and quoting pages outside of his defence scope during questioning by the former.

“When challenged by the lawyer that important contents of the book that gave an overall picture were excluded in his article, Dr Kamarul agreed,” reported DAP on its latest Facebook post.

“For example, when asked about the ‘foreword’ or summary of the book, Dr Kamarul did not answer the question directly.

“Instead, he mentioned the names of other political figures who allegedly disagreed with the book even though the names of the figures were not included in the 11 lines of defence filed in Court.

“He also frequently quoted excerpts from other pages outside the original defence to strengthen his stance on the book.”

In fact, Sangeet had to remind Kamarul several times during cross-examination to return to his original defence instead of beating around the bush.

As in the case of many police reports having been lodged against Yeoh by people who have not read the book or merely by hearsay, Kamarul’s understanding of the book is questionable as he seemed to have difficulty explaining what he understood.

For this reason, Sangeet impressed upon the court that it would be difficult for the proceedings to run smoothly if the witness himself had not read the book.

Another pertinent point is that Kamarul himself agreed in court on Tuesday (Jan 14) that the book has never been banned by any ruling government since it was published in 2014.

The case proceedings will continue on Feb 3. – Focus Malaysia

What’s new of low-level immigration officers in Malaysia can afford BMW 5 series, have few wives

 

A VIDEO clip purportedly uploaded on TikTok by the Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission (MACC) to spark public awareness has revealed several low-level Immigration Department officers having cash amounting to hundreds of thousands of ringgit stashed in their homes.

How was this possible with their wage levels not exceeding RM5,000 a month? The clip went on to state that the graft buster has frozen bank accounts of the individuals involved.

It was shared on X by Abang aji (@aponakdikato) who commented that it was normal for low-level officers drove luxury cars and had multiple wives.

The clip further revealed that the mastermind behind this “syndicate of dirty officers” was a higher ranked Immigration Department officer in Kuala Lumpur who was put in-charge of handling immigration matters at the Kuala Lumpur International Airport (KLIA).

The narrator pointed out that these officers were entrusted with the security of the country’s borders which is now compromised due to “dirty money”.

Based on the amount of cash found in these low-level officers, the narrator dread to imagine the loads of cash stashed high up in the ‘food chain’.

Without providing any specifics of the case, she concluded the clip by stating that the rakyat is aghast and angry at this blatant corruption and urged the authorities to act.

The feedback from netizens reflected the jaded mood with one venting that this was symptomatic of a nation that is corrupt to the core.

Claiming that there was no government agency that was free of this cancer, a complete overhaul of the system is greatly required to free the country from the menace of corruption.

However, one netizen observed that ultimately unscrupulous officers tended to be transferred instead of serving time behind bars, underlining the lack of belief in law enforcement.

While another sarcastically alluded to the 1MDB scandal where the chief perpetrator would possibly be punished with mere house arrest.

One netizen pointed out that if this was in China, the sentence would very likely be death by firing squad.

One lamented that nothing gets moving in Malaysian government departments even if everything was in order. Complaining that despite repeated enquiries, the answer would be the same – “it’s being processed”.

Some commented that it was the case of the lower rank-and-file learning from their superiors, stating sarcastically that this was ‘leadership by example’.

It was also pointed out that it was usually only the lower grade officers who get caught but the big fish forever remaining at large or go unpunished despite a mountain of evidence.

With one further pointing to the “attitude” of the immigration personnel stationed at KLIA underlining the problem. He added that such cases would continue to fester so long as the “big sharks” are allowed to roam free.

This coupled with an unrelated report on Buletin TV3 that (@BuletinTV3) that the MACC was also investigating bank officers over financial malpractices.

The sentiments echoed in both cases bear many similarities.

The comments highlight the disenchantment that many feel with the state of affairs, never mind that the video clip was vague and did not specify details of the alleged MACC investigations into immigration personnel.

From DNAAs (discharge not amounting to acquittal) to requests for house arrests, the rakyat is truly just fed up with the never ending wayang kulit (literally, shadow puppet theatre).

As one exclaimed, corruption is “systemic” in Malaysia and involves government officials from top to bottom. 

- Focus Malaysia

Floods: 10,000 people affected in Pitas

 

Pix courtesy of committee.

KOTA KINABALU: Some 10,000 residents are estimated to be affected by floods in the rural Pitas district as of 9pm on Friday (Jan 17).

Pitas district disaster management committee chairman Asdi @ Mohd Faizal Hussin said that villagers in the Bengkoka and Pitas state constituencies were trapped due to rising water.

Four temporary relocation centres were activated in the district to house flood evacuees, he added in a statement here.

“As of 9pm too, the Kota Marudu and Pitas Drainage and Irrigation Department recorded the water level at Sungai Kabatasan (4.57m) and Sungai Bengkoka (2.69m) over the danger limit.

“The four shelters are at Dewan Kusilad activated at 9pm which is still taking registration; Dewan SK Pekan II with 38 household heads; SK Salimpodon Darat with 21 household heads; and Kampung Lugu Hall which is an ad-hoc shelter with 21 household heads,” he added. - Star

Understand healthcare workers' struggles, Akmal tells '8-to-5' policymakers

 


The real issue behind healthcare workers working overtime is the shortage of staff, not working hours, said Umno Youth chief Dr Muhamad Akmal Saleh.

He said the solution is to increase the number of healthcare workers, not reduce working hours.

“I believe, even though the new schedule may show a reduced number of working hours, it is merely theoretical and wishful thinking.

“In reality, our healthcare workers will still be forced to work overtime due to the workload outweighing the number of workers available,” he added in a Facebook post.

The Gelang Patah Hospital in October 2024

Akmal said if the Health Ministry is facing financial constraints, the least which could be done is not to cut on-call allowances after working for 18 hours.

“And if on-call allowances cannot be paid, at least calculate the payment based on working hours.

“Appreciate our healthcare workers who have sacrificed so much and remained loyal to the public sector.

“I hope policymakers who work 8am to 5pm and have weekends off can understand what healthcare workers on the ground are truly facing,” he added.

Workers up in arms

Yesterday, it was reported that a Health Ministry town hall session turned into a “disastrous” event, with healthcare workers calling for heads to roll over a plan to introduce a new shift work system called “Waktu Bekerja Berlainan” (WBB).

Some attendees also demanded the resignations of Health Minister Dzulkefly Ahmad and Health director-general Dr Muhammad Radzi Abu Hassan, while others called for a strike.

“YBMK (minister), wait for us to launch a mass strike,” a participant reportedly wrote during the Zoom meeting.

The healthcare workers reportedly complained about pay cuts that would result from the new system and its alleged inflexibility. 

There were also concerns raised over WBB’s impact on their work-life balance. - Mkini