SUNDAY JOKES - 256

 

Frank and Jim are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, “Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?”

Frank says, “Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We’ve been best friends since school and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you.”

So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says, “Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?”
Jim says, “Frank, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son’s wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you.”
They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank, “Frank, if you had two chickens…”
“Now hold on there! Jim, you jolly well know I’ve got two chickens!”

 

The teacher asks, “Ahmad, why aren’t you writing?”

“I don’t has a pencil.”

“Ahmad, that’s not a correct sentence. The correct way is: I don’t have a pencil, he doesn’t have a pencil, we don’t have a pencil.”
“Who stole all the pencils then?”

 

“I knew a girl that was so ugly that… She was known as a two bagger. That’s when a girl is so ugly that you put one bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks!”

 

“I knew a girl that was so ugly that… I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs!”

 

“I knew a girl that was so ugly that… I took her to a dog show and she won the first prize!”

 

“I knew a girl that was so ugly that… I took her to the top of the Empire State building and the planes started to attack her!”

“I knew a girl that was so ugly that… She looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight!”

 

“I knew a girl that was so ugly that… The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it!”

 

“One day…as I came home early from work…I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy…Hey buddy…why are you doing that for? He said, because you came home early!”

 

I am in the chemist lab and I said to the assistant, “What gets rid of germs?”
She said, “Ammonia cleaner.”
I said, “Oh sorry, I thought you worked here…”

 

One day St. Peter saw a street gang walking up to the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter ran to God and said, “God, there are some low-life street gang members at the Gates. What do I do?”
God relied, “Just do what you normally do with that type. Redirect them.”

St. Peter went back to carry out the order but he suddenly came running back and yelling, “God, God, they’re gone! They’re gone!”

“The street gangs?”
“No, the Pearly Gates!”

 

If a woman says she’ll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be…

There’s no need to remind her every hour!

 

Doctor: What’s wrong with your brother?
Boy: He thinks he is a chicken.
Doctor: Really? How long has this been going on?
Boy: Five years.
Doctor: Five years!

Boy: We would have brought him in earlier but we needed the eggs!

 

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they could get under way.
The pilot and the co-pilot finally appeared in the rear of the plane and began walking up to the cockpit through the centre aisle. Both appeared to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers did not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines started revving, and the airplane began moving down the runway.
The passengers looked at each other with some uneasiness. They started whispering among themselves and looked desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane started accelerating rapidly and the people began panicking. Some passengers were praying and as the plane got closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices were becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane had less than twenty feet of runway left, there was a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screamed at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream and we aren’t going to know when to take off!”

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DBKL moved temple to current site in 2008, says MP

 

The Dewi Sri Pathrakaliamman temple is at the centre of a controversy as the current landowner proposes to build a mosque on the site.

PETALING JAYA: 

The 130-year-old Hindu temple in Kuala Lumpur at the centre of a controversy was relocated to its current site in 2008 at the request of the government, says an MP.

Batu MP P Prabakaran said there had been false claims made about the temple, among which was that the Dewi Sri Pathrakaliamman temple was built by devotees at the current site off Jalan Masjid India even though the land did not belong to them.

“As the Kuala Lumpur MP directly involved in this issue since the start of last year, I want to explain that the temple was moved to the site in 2008 by Kuala Lumpur City Hall (DBKL),” he said in a statement.

“The relocation of the temple was done at the request of the then government, because of development projects planned by DBKL (at the temple’s previous site).”

The government at the time was formed by Barisan Nasional.

“The temple moved to its current location, at Lot 328, Section 40, Jalan Bunus Enam off Jalan Masjid India, after obtaining all the necessary approvals from DBKL,” said Prabakaran.

He said the temple had applied in 2012 to convert the title to that of land reserved for a non-Muslim house of worship, but this application failed.

“DBKL later sold Lot 328 to developers in 2014,” said Prabakaran, who has represented Batu since 2018.

He urged all parties to give the government room to hold talks with the temple committee and landowner to resolve the matter amicably.

On Thursday, textile retailer Jakel Trading Sdn Bhd said the company had acquired the land in 2012 and received permission in 2021 to begin constructing a mosque there, but had delayed the process.

Jakel Trading’s legal head Aiman Dazuki said that while DBKL had previously proposed several sites for the temple’s relocation, its committee had not agreed to them.

Aiman said it was not possible to build the mosque without relocating the temple as the plot of land (around 12,000 sq ft) was not large enough. He said the firm had agreed to pay for the cost of the temple’s relocation.

DBKL said a new site for the temple had been identified and promised that it would not demolish the temple until it is relocated. - FMT

Develop your 4 states before dreaming of federal power, PAS told

 

PKR vice-president Nik Nazmi Nik Ahmad said Perikatan Nasional had failed to develop the four states it governs.

PETALING JAYA: 

Perikatan Nasional should showcase its ability to develop the four states it governs and improve their economy if the coalition believes it can do a better job of governing the country, says a PKR leader.

Nik Nazmi Nik Ahmad, a PKR vice-president, said the PAS-run states of Kelantan, Terengganu, Kedah and Perlis have not seen any significant changes in terms of economy and development under opposition rule.

PAS is a dominant partner in Perikatan Nasional, which includes Bersatu, Gerakan and MIPP.

Nik Nazmi accused PN of failing to improve the economy of these four states (also known as the ‘state government four’ or ‘SG4’).

“The SG4 Group Sdn Bhd set up last year which supposedly would bring economic development to the four states has proven to be impractical and ineffective in developing these states,” he told FMT.

Nik Nazmi, a federal minister, was responding to PN chairman Muhyiddin Yassin’s claim that the opposition coalition was capable of managing the country a lot better than the unity government and would be able to resolve basic issues.

Muhyiddin said Malaysians were going through a difficult time with the prices of goods rising while their income remained stagnant.

Nik Nazmi said Muhyiddin’s short-lived tenure as prime minister was fraught with economic shortcomings while PN has also been ineffective and disappointing as an opposition bloc in Parliament.

He accused the coalition’s MPs of failing to pose substantive and intelligent questions that would ultimately benefit the people in the Dewan Rakyat.

“PN’s shadow Cabinet has also failed to perform as an effective check and balance. They didn’t even offer an alternative budget for the people to evaluate theirs (against the government’s),” he said. - FMT

Anwar to Hajiji: Thanks for keeping Sabah politically stable

 

Prime Minister Anwar Ibrahim and Sabah chief minister Hajiji Noor at a briefing in Tuaran today before attending an iftar event. (Bernama pic)

PETALING JAYA: 

Prime Minister Anwar Ibrahim has thanked Sabah chief minister Hajiji Noor for maintaining political stability in the state, allowing the government to focus on serving the people.

Anwar said political stability was crucial in both Sabah and the country as only then could Putrajaya focus on carrying out initiatives to develop the state and nation, Bernama reported.

“Thank you to chief minister Hajiji for helping to make the political atmosphere calm. Why is this important? (Because) we want stability as it helps us focus on our people,” he said. “When we are stable, we can focus on how the industrial plan works, how artificial intelligence (AI), a new technology, has disrupted the global system.”

Anwar was speaking at an iftar event in Tuaran, Sabah, attended by Hajiji, as well as federal ministers Armizan Mohd Ali and Ewon Benedick, who are both from Sabah.

The prime minister also thanked “all our friends from all the parties” and urged leaders in the unity government to close ranks and “change their attitudes” to ensure the existing political cooperation could be enhanced to ensure Sabah and Malaysia’s development.

“When we’re united, we can overcome problems. But there are leaders who still condemn here and there, (hurl) insults here and there (as well as) fight over cultural and language issues,” he said.

“Today, I came to Sabah to meet Hajiji and we did not talk about personal matters nor did we talk about whether there is land or timber for me. I asked how we can help the hardcore poor, (repair) pothole-riddled roads… that’s what we discussed. Thank you to the chief minister and his team, who have been working hard to help overcome such problems,” Anwar added.

At the meeting with the chief minister and his state Cabinet, Anwar said they discussed key infrastructure projects they wanted implemented immediately in Sabah. He reiterated that “all of us working together” would ensure Sabah’s advancement and success.

“We must work as hard as we can, be sincere and stop all disputes. Imagine, in a year or two, Sabah can transform towards being more advanced,” he said. - FMT

RM3,000 in flood aid for Johor families before Raya

 

Flood victims Hairul Nur Azman, 54, and his mother Hamidah Sulaiman, 72, at their home in Kampung Haji Noor, Johor. (Bernama pic)

PETALING JAYA: 

Johor will distribute more than RM11 million in financial aid to 3,700 heads of households affected by the floods caused by the northeast monsoon season.

Each affected family will receive RM3,000 before Hari Raya Aidilfitri, which is expected to fall on March 31, said menteri besar Onn Hafiz Ghazi.

He said flood victims who did not register at relief centres can still submit appeals for the aid at the relevant district offices until the end of April.

The state government will also distribute RM500 each to 441 Ramadan and Aidilfitri bazaar traders affected by the floods, Bernama reported.

Local governments of affected districts have also agreed to waive charges imposed on the 9,800 Ramadan and Aidilfitri bazaar traders.

The state government will also provide aid to repair six mosques, 17 suraus and 43 educational institutions affected by floods.

The flooding in Johor has alleviated slightly, with 9,094 victims in five districts being housed in relief centres as of 9.20pm, compared with 13,089 this morning. - FMT

Non-Muslims who look Malay fear eating in public during Ramadan

WITH the recent slapping incident that went viral, many on social media are now debating the respect of the rights and liberties of certain groups of people in Malaysia.

We all know how the story of the 21-year-old non-Muslim man in Johor Bahru ended. He filed a police report after allegedly being slapped for eating during Ramadan by an elderly man.

The incident, recorded on video, also drew condemnation from National Unity Minister Datuk Aaron Ago Dagang. The case is now in the courts.

In Sabah, one resident recently voiced his anxiety about being confronted – or even slapped – for eating in public during fasting hours, forcing him to repeatedly flash his ID to prove he’s not obligated to fast.

Netizens have rallied in support, touched by his ordeal. Many vented frustration at those who harshly judge or loudly shame others for not fasting, noting that faith calls for personal accountability, not public policing.

They stress that religion urges people to mind their own actions, keeping both virtues and flaws discreet, rather than pointing fingers at others.

Another voice chimed in, noting that France, a Western European nation, is pushing to ban the hijab, sparking clear dismay among netizens.

In Malaysia, some argue it’s a Muslim-majority country, so enforcing religious norms makes sense. Yet, this reasoning flips easily: France, being mostly non-Muslim, could justify its stance the same way.

An X user claimed that those with shaky faith are the ones rattled by seeing others not fasting. Yet, a different take suggests this irritation is mostly an older generation thing, while the younger crowd tends to shrug it off. 

- focus malaysia