TUESDAY JOKES - 146

 

Semporna, Sabah, Malaysia

In the historic first manned mission to Mars, two astronauts were charting the Martian surface.

"Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man."
At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. Using an emissions detector, they followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater.
"Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut.

"I don't know," said the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you!"

 

What did the jealous storm trooper say to the friend who stole his girlfriend and was now going to marry her?
"May divorce be with you!"

 

A priest, a politician and a nun decided to go on a fishing trip together. They went down to their local lake, rented a boat and went out on to the lake for a day of fishing.

As the afternoon approached, the trio got hungry - and realized that they left their lunches on the shore of the lake.

The politician got out of the boat, walked across the lake, got his lunch, walked back and sat down to eat his lunch.

The priest at this point is almost out of his mind, his eyes wide with shock. He manages to sputter, "Wha... what... how did you...?" "You should have brought all of our lunches!" scolded the nun. She then got up, walked across the lake, picked up her lunch as well as the priest, walked back across the lake and sat down, handing the priest his afternoon meal.

The politician grins at the nun, nudges her and asks "Do you think we should tell him about the rocks?"

The nun looks at the politician, raises an eyebrow and replies "What rocks?"

 

Q: Have you heard how popular the local cemetery is?
A: People are just dying to get in.

 

Three men were playing golf. The course was a wicked dog-leg with a large water hazard.

The first man stepped up to the tee and hit a sharp slice into the water hazard. He walked up to the water; it parted and he lofted his ball within one foot of the hole.
The next man stepped up and hit the ball. Sure enough, he sliced it so that it landed on top of the water. He walked across the surface of the water and hit the ball within six inches of the hole. 

The third man stepped up, hit the ball, and sliced it. The ball was just about to land in the water when a trout jumped out of the water and grabbed it in his mouth. An eagle swooped down, scooped up the fish, and flew off. As the eagle banked over the green, lightning struck it, it dropped the fish, the fish dropped the ball and it landed in the hole for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I really hate playing golf with your Dad!"

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

A. Because those men already have boyfriends!

 

Parallel lines have so much in common.

It is a big shame they will never meet!

 

While the Pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limousine that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man and would not ever dream of questioning the Pope's authority. So, the Pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were travelling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called into headquarters reporting a speeding limousine, with a VIP inside it.
The chief asked: "Who is in the limousine, the mayor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."
Then the chief asked, "Is it the governor?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."
The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."
This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"

The policeman calmly whispered: "I'll put it to you this way, chief. I don't know who this guy is, but he has the Pope as his chauffeur!"

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MRT2 launch date to be revealed after trial runs completed, says Loke

SUNGAI BULOH: A specific launch date for the 57.7km MRT2 line from Sungai Buloh to Putrajaya will be fixed once trial runs and system fine-tuning are completed, says Transport Minister Anthony Loke.

Loke, who rode the line from Putrajaya Sentral to Kwasa Damansara on Tuesday (Feb 7), had said last week the line was expected to be fully operational by mid-March.

The first phase of the RM30.53bil project was officially opened to the public on June 16, with the 17.5km line covering 12 stations from Kwasa Damansara to Kampung Batu.

"The completion of the second phase of the project will see an additional 24 stations opened.

"This will bring it to a total of 36 stations from Putrajaya Sentral to Damansara Kwasa," he told a press conference after the test ride.

He said 10 interchange stations will be located along the line, with the Titiwangsa station to be developed as a public transportation hub.

"The Hospital Kuala Lumpur station is also considered one of the main stations on the route.

"It will allow more patients and visitors to travel to the hospital.

"The station will have a 400m travelator for visitors and patients' convenience," he added.

According to Loke, a total of 107 feeder buses will serve the MRT2 stations.

Loke said MRT2 will operate a total of 47 train sets and is expected to have a ridership of 200,000 passengers a day within a year or two of its launch.

On the MRT3, Loke said the Finance Ministry is expected to approve the project soon. - Star

Serah kontrak pada anak, menantu, bekas pengarah urusan diarah bela diri

 

Bekas pengarah urusan Felcra Training & Consultancy Sdn Bhd (FTC), Rohaizat Ahmad diarah bela diri atas 33 pertuduhan salah guna kuasa melibatkan projek bernilai RM1.64 juta. (Gambar Reuters)

PETALING JAYA: Mahkamah Sesyen Kuala Lumpur mengarahkan bekas pengarah urusan Felcra Training & Consultancy Sdn Bhd (FTC) membela diri atas 33 pertuduhan menggunakan kedudukan memberi pelbagai kontrak pembekalan kepada anak dan menantunya membabitkan RM1.64 juta.

Hakim Mahkamah Sesyen Azura Alwi membuat keputusan itu terhadap Rohaizat Ahmad selepas mendapati pihak pendakwaan berjaya membuktikan kes prima facie terhadap pertuduhan itu.

“Mahkamah berpuas hati dan memutuskan pihak pendakwaan berjaya membuktikan kes prima facie terhadap kamu (Rohaizat) atas 33 pertuduhan dan pindaannya mengikut Seksyen 23 Akta Suruhanjaya Pencegahan Rasuah Malaysia (SPRM) 2009 kerana menggunakan jawatan serta kedudukan untuk mendapatkan suapan.

“Oleh demikian, tertuduh diperintah membela diri dan mematahkan anggapan di bawah Seksyen 23 (2) akta berkenaan. Tiga cara membela diri sebagai seperti mana ditetapkan mengikut Kanun Tatacara Jenayah,” katanya menurut Berita Harian.

Susulan itu, Rohaizat memilih memberi keterangan bersumpah.

Mengikut pertuduhan pertama hingga ke-16, Rohaizat didakwa menggunakan jawatan dan kedudukan mendapatkan suapan dengan melantik syarikat Al Maisan Enterprise milik menantunya, bagi membekalkan peralatan elektronik dan sumbangan cenderahati, selain rakan strategik program latihan kemahiran, pembekal baju kurung dan T-shirt berkolar.

Pertuduhan ke-17 hingga ke-33, dia didakwa melakukan kesalahan sama dengan melantik anaknya sebagai pengerusi syarikat Hexa Tech Pride sebagai pembekal antaranya cenderahati korporat, telefon pintar, projektor, komputer riba, barangan elektronik dan sebagai perunding program keusahawanan.

Semua perbuatan itu didakwa dilakukan di Felcra Training & Consultancy Sdn Bhd, No 22, Jalan Rampai Niaga 4, Rampai Business Park antara 23 Apr 2014 hingga 27 Jun 2018.

Tertuduh didakwa mengikut Seksyen 23 Akta SPRM 2009 dan boleh dihukum mengikut Seksyen 24 akta sama yang memperuntukkan hukuman penjara maksimum 20 tahun dan denda tidak kurang lima kali ganda nilai suapan atau RM10,000 atau mana-mana yang lebih tinggi, jika sabit kesalahan.

Sementara itu, peguam bela Rohaizat, Mohd Baharuddin Ahmad Kassim, memohon mahkamah melapangkan 27 dan 28 Feb bagi prosiding bela diri kerana memerlukan masa menyediakan pernyataan saksinya.

“Pembelaan akan memanggil empat saksi dan akan menyerahkan salinan penyataan mereka yang agak panjang kepada pendakwaan. Kami mohon ihsan terhadap permohonan yang boleh dipertimbangkan oleh mahkamah kerana ia adalah kes pembelaan,” katanya.

Timbalan Pendakwa Raya, Zander Lim Wai Keong, pula memohon 17 Mac ini dilapangkan kerana terikat dengan kes lain.

Hakim kemudian menetapkan bicara bela diri itu selama sembilan hari iaitu 22, 27 dan 28 Mac serta 3 hingga 6, 17 dan 18 Apr. - FMT

‘Kami wanita, bukan barang’, warganet bidas pemimpin PAS

 

Kebanyakan pengguna media sosial membidas ADUN Jabi Dr Azman Ibrahim dan mendakwa beliau seakan memandang rendah wanita. (Gambar Bernama)

PETALING JAYA: Seorang ahli Jawatankuasa PAS Pusat menerima kecaman di media sosial kerana menyamakan wanita seperti “barang”, yang menurutnya harus “dibungkus comel dan kemas”.

Dr Azman Ibrahim membuat kenyataan itu menerusi ciapan di Twitter, mengulas kenyataan Ahli Parlimen Bentong Young Syefura Othman mengenai dakwaan seorang wanita tidak dibenarkan masuk membuat laporan di balai polis kerana berseluar pendek.

Beliau yang juga ADUN Jabi, berkata kaedah pembungkusan sesuatu “barang” itu memainkan peranan penting dalam aspek pemasaran.

“Barang mahal bernilai tinggi akan dibungkus comel dan kemas,” katanya.

“(Kalau) main jual terdedah tepi jalan, itu barang tiruan harga murah.”

Bagaimanapun, dalam ciapan seterusnya, Azman berkata, beliau tidak pasti sama ada seseorang itu masih dinilai berdasarkan penampilannya, selain berpendapat perkara itu tidak wajar.

Kebanyakan pengguna media sosial membidas Azman, mendakwa beliau seakan memandang rendah wanita.

Pengguna Twitter @LilyZali mempersoalkan bagaimana wakil rakyat itu, yang mempunyai ahli keluarga wanita, memandang golongan berkenaan begitu rendah.

“Berdasarkan pemakaian semata? (Kemudian) dilabel sebagai barang? Anda menjengkelkan,” balasnya.

Sementara itu, seorang lagi pengguna Twitter, @afiqazni berkata: “Pakaian dan pemakaian itu bukan kayu pengukur untuk menilai kemuliaan seseorang.”

Minggu lalu, seorang wanita mendakwa dilarang memasuki Balai Polis Kajang untuk membuat laporan mengenai kemalangan dialaminya.

Dakwanya, beliau dilarang masuk walaupun memakai seluar pendek menutup bahagian lututnya dan hanya dibenarkan selepas kakaknya membawa seluar panjang untuknya.

Pada Sabtu lalu, Ketua Polis Negara Acryl Sani Abdullah Sani dilaporkan berkata, mereka yang pergi ke balai polis perlu menjaga prinsip kelima Rukun Negara dan berpakaian sopan serta menjaga akhlak.

“Kita boleh membuat kelonggaran berdasarkan jenis kecemasan dihadapi pengadu ketika membuat laporan di balai polis,” katanya.

Bagaimanapun, kenyataannya itu tidak dipersetujui bekas ketua polis negara, Musa Hassan yang menegaskan, menjadi kewajipan polis menerima laporan dalam apa jua keadaan. - FMT

Turunkan yuran skim rekalibrasi pekerja asing, kata Rehda

 

Program rekalibrasi dilanjutkan sehingga akhir tahun ini dan melibatkan lapan sektor termasuk pembinaan.

PETALING JAYA: Persatuan Pemaju Hartanah dan Perumahan Malaysia (Rehda) menggesa kerajaan mengurangkan yuran RM1,500 untuk program rekalibrasi pekerja asing kerana jumlah itu tidak munasabah.

Dalam kenyataan, Presiden Rehda, NK Tong, berkata berkata yuran itu perlu ditetapkan serendah mungkin bagi menggalakkan industri menyertai program itu.

Menurutnya, matlamat kerajaan adalah membantu industri dan merangsang pemulihan ekonomi supaya firma boleh mengambil lebih ramai pekerja, sekali gus menjana keuntungan bagi membayar cukai.

“Program itu tidak harus dijadikan sebagai antara sumber pendapatan kerajaan. Memandangkan semua kos sedia ada terus meningkat, maka kerajaan sepatutnya dapat membantu (industri),” kata Tong.

Tambahnya, pengurangan yuran rekalibrasi membawa penjimatan untuk bakal pembeli rumah.

Beliau berkata, langkah memansuhkan yuran dokumentasi pinjaman perumahan contoh baik mengurangkan kos menjalankan perniagaan, sambil menambah sebelum ini kos itu ditanggung pengguna.

“Rehda menggalakkan majikan semua industri yang mempunyai pekerja asing tanpa izin agar mengambil bahagian dalam program rekalibrasi bagi memastikan kesejahteraan pekerja dilindungi selain projek serta perniagaan mereka dapat diteruskan semula tanpa masalah.

“Kami berharap ahli kami akan mematuhi undang-undang ini kerana keengganan berbuat demikian boleh menjejaskan pembangunan projek semasa dan pembangunan dirancang pada masa hadapan,” kata Tong.

Program rekalibrasi tenaga kerja adalah program khas meregularisasikan pendatang tanpa izin sebagai pekerja asing yang boleh diambil bekerja oleh majikan berkelayakan.

Program itu juga membolehkan pendatang tanpa izin pulang secara sukarela jika memenuhi syarat tertentu seperti ditetapkan pihak berkuasa.

Program itu dilanjutkan sehingga akhir tahun ini dan melibatkan lapan sektor iaitu perkilangan, pembinaan, perlombongan dan kuari, pengawal keselamatan, perkhidmatan, pertanian, perladangan, dan pembantu rumah. - FMT

EU hopes Malaysia will ratify Asean-EU air traffic agreement

 

EU ambassador Michalis Rokas says the EU wants Malaysia to ratify the Asean-EU Comprehensive Air Traffic Agreement ‘as soon as possible’. (Twitter pic)

KUALA LUMPUR: The European Union (EU) hopes Malaysia will join the 36 EU and other Asean states in ratifying the Asean-EU Comprehensive Air Traffic Agreement (AE CATA), the world’s first bloc-to-bloc air transport agreement.

The agreement, which Malaysia signed on Oct 17 last year, aims to bolster connectivity and economic development among member states of the two regional blocs.

EU’s ambassador to Malaysia, Michalis Rokas, said the door was open for Malaysia “to come onboard”, adding that the country should consider the immense opportunities beyond better air connectivity and linkages that the agreement would bring to its signatories.

He hoped Malaysia would ratify the agreement and benefit from it.

“We have not excluded Malaysia. On the contrary, we want Malaysia to be in as soon as possible,” he told Bernama when met here recently.

Rokas said with thousands of European companies currently operating in Malaysia and 40% of EU’s goods travelling through Malaysia’s international waters, the country was an important gateway for the EU to the Asean market.

Malaysia is home to key aeronautical industrial activities by Airbus and hosts some of the biggest European corporations such as Ericsson, Siemens, Nokia, Braun and Volvo.

Signed in Bali, Indonesia by all 27 EU member states and 10 Asean members, the AE CATA provides a foundation for closer cooperation between the two blocs in areas such as aviation safety, air traffic management, consumer protection, environment and social matters.

The agreement replaced all EU member states’ bilateral aviation agreements with the 10 Asean member states and provides a single, modern framework for air services between the EU and Asean.

The EU is one of Malaysia’s biggest trading partners, with two-way trade in 2022 exceeding RM216 billion, and with Malaysia enjoying a large trade surplus. - FMT

Abang Jo hoping higher civil service pay will attract more Chinese

 

Sarawak premier Abang Johari Openg admitted that civil servants’ salaries were currently ‘too low’. (Bernama pic)

PETALING JAYA: Sarawak premier Abang Johari Openg is hoping that a proposed upgraded salary scheme will attract more Sarawakians, including from the Chinese community, to join the state’s civil service.

Admitting that civil servants’ salaries were currently “too low”, Abang Johari said the state government was working on a scheme to upgrade civil servants’ pay.

“They are now working on the scheme so that the salary will be increased,” he was quoted as saying by The Borneo Post.

“If the salary is good, the Chinese will join because they will always seek greener pastures.

“Right now, even though we have recognised the Unified Examination Certificate (UEC), it is still difficult to get them to join the government because of the pay,” he said at the Federation of Chinese Associations Kuching, Samarahan and Serian divisions’ Chinese New Year dinner in Kuching last night.

He pointed out that anti-corruption NGO Transparency International had listed countries which offered high pay such as Finland, Norway and Singapore as among its top 10 least corrupt countries in the world.

“This is because workers there earn a good salary and their pension fund is guaranteed for the future,” he said.

“If you pay peanuts, you will get monkeys but if you offer a big salary to employees, you will get quality experts.” - FMT