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Saturday, January 16, 2021

SATURDAY JOKES - 38

 

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was way back in 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of RM 1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million ringgit."


A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, ""Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."


Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"


As soon as the dentist asked the patient to sit down, he pulled out his wallet. Seeing this the dentist said, "Please don't, you don't need to pay me now."
The patient answered: "Pay you! I just want to count my money before I'm unconscious!"


A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."



Three guys died and when they got to the Pearly Gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."
The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?"
The first guy says, "24 years."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.
The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."
The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"
A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"


Who says cops don't have a sense of humour? The following were taken off from some actual police car videos around the country.


"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.


"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."


"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."


"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."


"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"


"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"


"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."


"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"


"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step on monkey poop."


"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."


"Just how big were those two beers?"


"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."


"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."


"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

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Interstate travellers led to 708 Covid-19 cases in Kelantan

 A total of 708 Covid-19 cases recorded in Kelantan were caused by interstate travellers. - NSTP/ MUHD ASYRAF SAWAL

KOTA BARU: A total of 708 Covid-19 cases recorded in Kelantan were caused by interstate travellers.

Kelantan health director Datuk Dr Zaini Hussin said the figure was recorded between the second wave of the pandemic on Sept 23 last year and yesterday.

He said the cases were recorded from the 18 clusters reported state-wide.

"Kelantan has 18 clusters so far and we have tallied 708 cases since September last year. Based on our records, interstate travellers lead to new clusters to emerge."

He said three of the 18 clusters were originally from outside Kelantan. They are the Dataran Utas cluster, Cergas cluster and Kaya cluster.

Senior Minister (Security Cluster) Datuk Seri Ismail Sabri Yaakob yesterday said Movement Control (MCO) would be enforced in Kelantan from today until Jan 26 following the surge in Covid-19 cases.

He said since Jan 10, the daily average Covid-19 cases in the state had seen an increase of between 80 and 100, while active cases saw a surge within 14 days from 328 to 891 cases (as of Thursday).

Meanwhile, the first day of the MCO saw many restaurants and food stalls closed and some only opened to provide take-aways and deliveries. - NST

Mohammed Salleh Abas buried according to Covid-19 SOP

 By Bernama 

KUALA TERENGGANU: Former Lord President Tun Dr Mohamed Salleh Abas was buried at the Sheikh Ibrahim Muslim Cemetery in Jalan Pusara here at 10.40am today.

Mohamed Salleh, 91, who died of pneumonia at 3.20am today, was transported to the cemetery at about 10.15am. He had tested positive for Covid-19 on Jan 14.

The burial process was handled by some 10 personnel from the Terengganu Health Department, who were wearing personal protective equipment (PPE).

The burial process was handled by some 10 personnel from the Terengganu Health Department, who were wearing personal protective equipment (PPE). - NSTP/GHAZALI KORI

However, Mohamed Salleh's family members and journalists were not allowed at the burial ground as per coronavirus SOPs.

His son-in-law, Wan Pauzi Yahya, said Mohamed Salleh, who was chairman of as-Salihin Trustee Berhad, was admitted to the Sultanah Nur Zahirah Hospital (HSNZ) here on Thursday after he tested positive for the coronavirus.

"After he was taken to hospital, his children and other family members could still talk to him, but then he was not admitted to the intensive care unit (ICU) yet.

Tun Dr Mohamed Salleh’s family members and journalists were not allowed at the burial ground as per coronavirus SOPs. - NSTP/GHAZALI KORI
Tun Dr Mohamed Salleh’s family members and journalists were not allowed at the burial ground as per coronavirus SOPs. - NSTP/GHAZALI KORI

"We were told he had breathing difficulty, declining blood pressure and other problems. Furthermore, he was born with only one kidney," he told reporters after the burial.

Wan Pauzi said his father-in-law was put on a ventilator last night.

He said Mohamed Salleh was buried next to his first wife, Toh Puan Azimah Mohd Ali, who died in 2016.

Wan Pauzi said the family hopes that the relevant quarters would preserve Mohamed Salleh's legacy by collecting the books written by him, as well as his personal items like photographs, for the benefit of future generations.

Mohamad Salleh leaves behind his wife Toh Puan Junaidah Wan Jusoh, five children and 26 grandchildren.

NSTP/GHAZALI KORI
NSTP/GHAZALI KORI

In 1984, Mohamed Salleh was appointed the Lord President (now known as Chief Justice), a post he held until his expulsion during the constitutional crisis in 1988.

He was also one of the drafters of the Rukun Negara in 1970.

In the 10th general election in 1999, he won the Jertih state seat in Terengganu on a Pas ticket, but did not contest in the next polls in 2004 on health grounds. - BERNAMA

Food, essentials airlifted to cut-off Pitas villages

 Sabah Community Development and People’s Well-Being Minister Shahelmey Yahya (third left) visiting Kampung Gumpa Liu - one of the cut-off villages in Pitas - to monitor the distribution of food relief, on. Saturday. - NSTP/ courtesy of NSTP reader

KOTA KINABALU: Relief in the form of food and essentials have been air-lifted to Pitas flood victims.

The villagers were not only cut-off but had been trapped for several days after roads and bridge leading to their 13 villages in the district either collapsed or were damaged from the inundation.

A police helicopter was utilised to send much needed essential supplies to several cut-off villages since Friday.

Sabah Community Development and People's Well-Being Minister Shahelmey Yahya visited Kampung Gumpa Liu today, one of the cut-off villages to monitor the distribution of food aid.

The Ministry, he said, would be arranging more food to be channelled to affected villagers as soon as possible.

Chief Minister Datuk Seri Hajiji Noor, in a statement, said the state government had taken note of the flood disaster hitting six districts in the state.

Apart from Pitas, floods also inundated Kota Marudu, Beaufort, Lahad Datu, Paitan, and Kudat.

Many villages in the districts were submerged, prompting the evacuation of over 1,000 people to nearby relief centres since last week.

"The government through the Public Welfare Services Department and National Disaster Management Agency (NADMA) has provided cooked meals for evacuees and channelled food basket worth RM200 to each affected household.

"NADMA has also distributed RM500 financial aid to each affected household. This was coordinated by the Civil Defence Force and district office," said Hajiji.

In facing flood disaster amidst the ongoing Covid-19 pandemic, the state government reminded all parties to take the necessary precautionary measures and continue to comply with the standard operating procedures to avoid being infected by the virus.

The latest update from state authorities sees evacuees housed at temporary relief centres reduced to 183 people as of 1pm today after many residents returned home as the flood situation improved.

Districts that still continue to house evacuees are Pitas (104 evacuees); Beaufort (6); and Paitan (73).

Although floodwaters at some areas have receded, villagers have been told to remain alert as heavy rain has been forecast until Jan 18.

According to the Malaysian Meteorological Department, heavy rain is expected to occur over the Sipitang, Tenom, Kuala Penyu, Beaufort, Keningau, Tambunan, Kudat, Telupid, Beluran and Sandakan. - NST

Landslide threat forces closure of Fraser's Hill-Raub road

 The road to the resort area of Fraser’s Hill via Raub, 240 kilometres from here, was closed two days ago to all vehicles over fears of landslides during heavy rains. - NSTP file pic

KUANTAN: The road to the resort area of Fraser's Hill via Raub, 240 kilometres from here, was closed two days ago to all vehicles over fears of landslides during heavy rains.

Raub district police chief, Superintendent Kama Azural, said that only security and health teams are allowed to use the route for emergencies, after securing police's permission.

He said the decision was made after discussions by relevant parties, including the district engineer, after several locations along the road were judged to be prone to landslides during bad weather.

"A Pahang Task Force Committee meeting chaired by State Secretary Datuk Seri Dr Sallehuddin Ishak also backed the decision to avoid untoward incidents,'' he said when contacted here, today.

"Residents of Fraser's Hill can use the Kuala Kubu, Selangor route in search of food or to perform errants. As Selangor is under the Movement Control Order, I have told the Fraser's Hill police station to facilitate applications for inter-state travel permits," he said.

The road will only be reopened when authorities are satisfied over the level of safety along the route, he added. - BERNAMA

Penang CM says Emergency a necessity to reset Covid-19 strategy, approaches

 Penang Chief Minister Chow Kon Yeow said he had just attended an Emergency conference with the National Security Council chaired by Prime Minister Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin this morning and that the meeting made it clear the incumbents in their respective state governments are not in jeopardy. — Picture by Sayuti Zainudin

Penang Chief Minister Chow Kon Yeow said he had just attended an Emergency conference with the National Security Council chaired by Prime Minister Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin this morning and that the meeting made it clear the incumbents in their respective state governments are not in jeopardy. — Picture by Sayuti Zainudin

KUALA LUMPUR, Jan 16 — Malaysians should not be apprehensive about the Emergency Ordinance 2021 declared earlier this week despite the wide-ranging powers concentrated in the Muhyiddin Cabinet, Penang Chief Minister Chow Kon Yeow said today.

The DAP leader said he had just attended an Emergency conference with the National Security Council chaired by Prime Minister Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin this morning and that the meeting made it clear the incumbents in their respective state governments are not in jeopardy.

“Even though this Emergency Ordinance gives power to the prime minister to better manage the pandemic, Malaysians should not see any action that will erode our parliamentary democratic system.

“The need for a proclamation of Emergency should be seen as a necessity to reevaluate the strategy and approaches used so far, which have not been effective to free the country from the threat of this virus,” the DAP leader said in a statement this afternoon.

He affirmed the necessity of a nationwide Emergency, saying it enables the authorities to relook its method to contain the Covid-19 surge that has all crippled the public healthcare system.

Chow who is both Padang Kota assemblyman and Tanjong MP said that the powers of the state governments and their respective chief ministers or mentri besar remain as they were before the 

“However, the Penang state legislative assembly will not convene until such a time as decided by the Yang di-Pertuan Agong after consultation with the state Ruler or governor,” he said.

Emergency was proclaimed on January 12, just a day after the prime minister announced a return of the movement control order restructuring interdistrict and interstate travel for 14 days from January 13 to 26 in an effort to drastically reduce the daily spike in Covid-19 that have all but crippled the public healthcare system.

The Emergency is to last until August 1, or until Covid-19 cases are within manageable levels again, whichever comes first.

The Emergency (Essential Powers) Ordinance 2021 gazetted yesterday but which takes retrospective effect from January 11 has drawn widespread criticism. 

Opposition politicians said the Ordinance places unlimited powers in the hands of the Muhyiddin administration, which raises the possibility of abuse with Parliament and state legislatures as well as elections suspended. - malaymail

Muhyiddin sends condolences to family of former Lord President Salleh Abas

 File photo shows the late Tun Mohamed Salleh Abas Salah (left) and his wife, Toh Puan Junaidah Wan Jusoh, during an interview with Bernama in Kuala Lumpur August 19, 2020. — Bernama pic

File photo shows the late Tun Mohamed Salleh Abas Salah (left) and his wife, Toh Puan Junaidah Wan Jusoh, during an interview with Bernama in Kuala Lumpur August 19, 2020. — Bernama pic

KUALA LUMPUR, Jan 16 — Prime Minister Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin has conveyed his condolences to the family of former Lord President Tun Mohamed Salleh Abas, who died today.

In a posting on his Facebook page, Muhyiddin said he was saddened by Mohamed Salleh’s passing and prayed that his family would be strong in facing their moment of grief.

“On behalf of the government, I would like to put on record our gratitude for his contribution in strengthening and upholding the integrity of the judicial institution throughout his tenure as the Lord President from 1984 to 1988.

“Let’s pray for his soul to be blessed and placed among the pious and righteous. Amin,” he said.

Mohamed Salleh, 91, died of pneumonia at Hospital Sultanah Nur Zahirah in Kuala Terengganu at 3.20am. — Bernama