SATURDAY JOKES - 209

 

Tasik Desa Ilmu, Kota Samarahan, Sarawak, Malaysia.

Two English butchers, who hated each other, were doing business across the street from each other for ten years. For the full ten years they always competed for the other's business.
One butcher would put up a sign reading, "Sirloin: £2.50 a pound" and the other would put up a sign "Sirloin: £2 a pound." The first would put up a sign reading, "Whole lamb loin: £1.85 a pound" and the second would, again, underpriced him.

This went on for the full ten years; back and forth, back and forth. 

One day the first butcher got a bright idea. Instead of advertising his prices he placed a professionally painted sign reading, "The Queen buys all her meats here."

The next day another professionally painted sign appeared in the window of the butcher shop across the street which read, "God save the Queen!"

 

Did you have lucky charms for breakfast? 

Because you look magically delicious! 

 

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. 

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. 

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. 

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer!

 

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.
MAN, I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!

A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the driver thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.

The driver decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. 

The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly!"

 

There are 20 angels in the world. 11 are playing, eight are sleeping, and one is standing in front of me! 

 

When I moved out to Los Angeles they told me I had to work out. I was like, I don't want to do that. They gave me this trainer, and the dude was like... the most important thing is, you can't eat late at night or you'll get fat. 

And I'm like, forget that, you supposed to eat late at night. 

He was like, no you are not. 

I'm like, well, why then do they put a light in the refrigerator?

 

Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.
Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed, and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Bill and Moe blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.
Five years later, Bill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Bill looked up and gasped.
"Moe!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this."
"Yeah," Moe said with a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here!"

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Voters wanted PN to field Malay candidate in KKB, says Muhyiddin

 

Perikatan Nasional chairman Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin said many PN voters wanted the coalition to give a Malay leader a chance to contest the Kuala Kubu Baharu seat. - NSTP/File Pic

HULU SELANGOR: Perikatan Nasional chairman Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin says the opposition coalition opted to field a Malay candidate in the Kuala Kubu Baharu by-election in line with demands from voters.

He said many PN voters wanted the coalition to give a Malay leader a chance to contest the seat.

Muhyiddin, who is also Bersatu president, said he was confident that issues faced by the public including the rising of living, will give PN the edge.

He also said PN could win if a large number of Malay voters turned out.

"Some 47 per cent of voters here are Malay, 30 per cent are Chinese, Indians (account for) 18 per cent and the remaining five per cent include others and the Orang Asli," he said outside the nomination centre for the by-election here today.

"It's just a rough estimate, but if 80 per cent of Malay voters come out to vote, we will win."

PN is fielding Khairul Azhari Saut of Bersatu. His main rival for the seat would be Pakatan Harapan's Pang Sock Tao.

One independent candidate and one candidate from Parti Rakyat Malaysia have also thrown their hat into the ring.

Meanwhile, on Umno president Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad Zahid Hamidi's remarks that he was confident the unity coalition could win the by-election, Muhyiddin said he too was confident of PN's chances.

"110 per cent. I can say that right? It's okay. He's confident, I am too. But it's not up to him (Zahid) or me because we're not voters here.

"What's important are the people here at Kuala Kubu Baharu. There are many problems now (in the country) compared to when the Selangor state election and general election (GE15) were held." - NST

SDMC: Five divisions in Sarawak declared as rabies areas as of April 19

 

SDMC said since 2017, Sarawak has recorded 78 rabies cases involving humans with 71 being fatal. — Picture by Alexas Fotos/Pexels

KUCHING, April 27 ― Five divisions in Sarawak, namely Kuching, Samarahan, Serian, Bintulu and Sri Aman, have been declared as rabies areas as of April 19 this year, said the State Disaster Management Committee (SDMC).

In a statement today, SDMC said Sarawak recorded 78 rabies cases involving humans since 2017, with 71 of them being fatal.

The committee added 213,190 dogs had been vaccinated against rabies since 2017.

To further contain the rabies outbreak, SDMC said the state government will carry out Integrated Rabies Operation 2024 in Kuching from April 29-30 and May 2-3. ― The Borneo Post

Taiwan rattled by quakes again, no immediate reports of damage

 

Taiwan has been hit by more than 1,000 aftershocks since a 7.2 magnitude quake struck Hualien earlier this month, killing 17 people. — AFP pic

TAIPEI, April 27 — Two earthquakes, the largest a 6.1 magnitude, struck Taiwan’s eastern county of Hualien today, the island’s weather administration said, with no immediate reports of damage.

The quakes, within half an hour of each other in the early hours of the morning, shook buildings in the capital, Taipei.

The first quake had a depth of 24.9 km (15.5 miles) and hit just off Hualien’s coast, while the second with a magnitude of 5.8 had a depth of 18.9 km (11.7 miles) and hit a similar location, Taiwan’s weather administration said.

Taiwan has been hit by more than 1,000 aftershocks since a 7.2 magnitude quake struck Hualien earlier this month, killing 17 people.

Taiwan lies near the junction of two tectonic plates and is prone to earthquakes.

More than 100 people were killed in a quake in southern Taiwan in 2016, while a 7.3 magnitude quake killed more than 2,000 people in 1999. — Reuters

Ringgit seen to trend around 4.77 to US dollar next week

 

On a Friday-to-Friday basis, the ringgit traded higher to 4.7650/7710 versus the greenback from 4.7810/7855 a week earlier. — Picture by Sayuti Zainudin

KUALA LUMPUR, April 27 ― The ringgit is expected trend around 4.77 to a US dollar next week as the greenback maintains its strength, and as market continues diminishing the expectations of interest rate cuts particularly in the United States (US).

SPI Asset Management managing director Stephen Innes said, however, much hinges on the responses of global bond markets as many traders are currently factoring in a level of central bank alignment with the US Federal Reserve (Fed).

He said this anticipation of central bank synchronicity could dampen the momentum of the strong US dollar in the coming days.

“The primary concern for the ringgit is whether the Fed will adopt a hawkish stance and rule out rate cuts at the upcoming Federal Open Market Committee (FOMC) meeting.

“However, it is likely that the Fed will wait to gauge US employment data and the next series of consumer price index (CPI) figures before committing to a fully hawkish stance,” Innes told Bernama.

Bank Muamalat Malaysia Bhd chief economist Mohd Afzanizam Abdul Rashid said next week would be a data heavy week and markets would be very cautious and possibly leaning towards the safer side, with the US dollar probably well supported.

“On that note, the ringgit-US dollar shall linger around RM4.77 next week,” said Mohd Afzanizam.

Besides the FOMC meeting, investors would also be looking out for the US Institute of Supply Management (ISM) Index for Manufacturing as well as the nonfarm payroll (NFP) and unemployment rate.

On a Friday-to-Friday basis, the ringgit traded higher to 4.7650/7710 versus the greenback from 4.7810/7855 a week earlier.

The local note moved mostly lower against other major currencies, tracking the US dollar Index (DXY), US economic data indicators such as the gross domestic product (GDP) as well as regional central banks’ news on interest rates and currencies.

The local note rose vis-a-vis the Japanese yen to 3.0408/0451 from 3.0947/0978 a week earlier, but fell against the British pound to 5.9644/9719 from 5.9533/9589 and slid against the euro to 5.1157/1221 from 5.0961/1009 previously.

The ringgit however traded mostly higher against ASEAN currencies.

It appreciated to 12.8902/9120 against the Thai baht from 12.9668/9847 last Friday, climbed versus the Philippine peso to 8.26/8.27 from 8.30/8.31 and was flat against the Indonesian rupiah at 293.9/294.4.

The local note also rose vis-a-vis the Singapore dollar to 3.5021/5068 from 3.5113/5149 a week earlier. ― Bernama

Ramasamy: KKB polls could be mini-Battle of Waterloo for Madani gov’t

 

THE United Rights of the Malaysian Party (Urimai) has a clear and unequivocal stand on the Kuala Kubu Baharu (KKB) by-election.

The main thrust of our various campaign methods following today’s nomination of candidates for the election is to ask especially Indian voters to reject the Pakatan Harapan (PH)/DAP candidate who is a crony of the DAP vice-chairman Nga Kor Ming.

If the party had any respect for Indians, they would have nominated a candidate from this marginalised community. DAP talks about multi-racialism but in actual fact, it has its own brand of ethnic hegemonic politics.

The Indian community having been denied the benefits of reforms, denied the rights and denied the promises of socio-economic progress, must be prepared to teach the Madani government a painful lesson.

As though the unfulfilled promises are not enough, the community has been bullied and insulted by the government in power and Prime Minister Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim in particular.

Henceforth, the KKB polls present the best opportunity for Indians to show their displeasure towards the Madani government and the leadership of Anwar.

If the Indians take a firm decision not to vote the PH/DAP candidate, the message will have broad implications. It will set the stage for the defeat of the PH-led government in the next general elections.

A defeat for the DAP candidate in KK polls will drive home the point that Indians cannot be taken for ride on empty promises and fake multi-racialism.

MIC’s sudden entry

The battle for the hearts and minds in the KKB polls threatens to expose the hollowness of the Madani government. The last-minute entry of some Indian sycophants to support the PH/DAP candidate is a meaningless exercise.

I really wonder what were the reasons for the last-minute change of heart on the part of the MIC. Was it the fear of the stick or carrot or both?

At least some respect must be accorded to the MCA for refusing to campaign on behalf of the DAP candidate.

Prof Ramsamy Palanisamy

Ground reports indicate that Indians are furious against the PH-led government in general and Anwar in particular. Needless to say, the songs and dances of Anwar have no effect on the community anymore.

Urimai has no formal or even informal relationship with Perikatan Nasional (PN). We were nevertheless upset that the opposition coalition did not field an Indian candidate.

It is unfortunate that the new component of PN the Malaysian Indian Political Party (MIPP) never raised the matter of Indian candidate. Perhaps the leadership of the new party was so overwhelmed by its new found status that it lost its objectivity.

After the nomination day which sees a direct PH-PN fight, Urimai supporters will be on the ground visiting coffee shops, markets, temples and estates to get their message across.

Urimai will not boycott the election. It is plainly wrong and an undemocratic practice. Neither will we ask the voters to support the PN candidate. The decision will be entirely theirs.

The 16th General Election (GE16) will be the real Battle of Waterloo for the PH-led government if the current unity government can last its full term. The KKB polls for a state constituency seat might be the mini-Battle of Waterloo. 

 

Former DAP stalwart and Penang chief minister II Prof Ramasamy Palanisamy is chairman of the United Rights of Malaysian Party (Urimai) interim council.

The views expressed are solely of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of MMKtT.

- Focus Malaysia

Tax returns submission deadline extended to May 15

 

PUTRAJAYA: The Inland Revenue Board (LHDN) has extended the deadline for non-business taxpayers to submit their Tax Return Form for the Year of Assessment 2023 via e-Filing from April 30 to May 15.

These taxpayers comprise resident individuals such as knowledge workers, expert workers, non-citizen workers holding key positions and non-resident individuals, it said in a statement.

The extension is also for non-resident knowledge workers, organisations, deceased person’s estates and Hindu joint families, it added, Bernama reported.

According to LHDN, the deadline for the submission of the Tax Return Form for the Year of Assessment 2023 for the employer (company and Labuan company) category and non-company/non-Labuan company employer category through e-Filing has been extended from March 31 to May 30.

It advised taxpayers to submit their tax returns and pay their income tax within the stipulated period to avoid any penalty for late submission of forms or late payment.

“Taxpayers are also advised to key in and update their personal and banking information accurately to assist in the tax refund process,” it said.

More information on the e-Filing programme for the Year 2024 can be obtained by clicking on the link https://www.hasil.gov.my/media/fw2jk2fd/rf-filing-programme-for-the-year-2024.pdf or at e-Book at a Glance 2024 at https://www.hasil.gov.my/eduzone/risalah-cukai/risalah-cukai-2024/sepintas-e-buku-hasil/. - Star

Tan Sri Rais Yatim Using Precise Language

 

 

Muda, PSM being practical to skip KKB poll, say analysts

 

Muda and PSM said they will sit out the Kuala Kubu Baharu by-election on May 11 so that voters can decide on the unity government’s performance. (Facebook pic)

PETALING JAYA: Muda and Parti Sosialis Malaysia made a practical choice to skip the Kuala Kubu Baharu by-election on May 11, say two political analysts.

Azmi Hassan of Akademi Nusantara said the two parties probably want to conserve their resources for more significant elections, given that the Kuala Kubu Baharu results will not have any great bearing on the government.

Azmi Hassan.

“I guess the real reason is that PSM and Muda think that contesting will not affect voter decisions much, as their influence in Kuala Kubu Baharu is minimal,” said Azmi. “They will most probably lose their deposits if they decide to join the fray.”

Syaza Shukri of International Islamic University Malaysia said the two parties know they will not be an effective third force. The two parties have not done enough for their presence to be truly felt as a challenge to the larger parties.

“They know they can’t win, so it doesn’t make sense to waste resources. If they contest, they would most likely get protest votes from supporters of Pakatan Harapan (who don’t want to vote for Perikatan Nasional). But if that happened, PN would have a better chance of winning,” she said.

However, leaders of PSM and Muda denied that the possibility of failure was the reason not to contest.

PSM deputy chairman S Arutchelvan said the two parties’ current challenge is forming an alliance strong enough to contest seats such as Kuala Kubu Baharu and denied that their chances of victory played a part in their decision.

Muda’s acting president, Amira Aisya Abd Rahman, also said the risk of losing was not their main reason, stressing that the party had many candidates it could have fielded.

“Our main focus is to empower the rakyat to decide in a referendum between the government and opposition parties,” she said.

Azmi said the interest shown by Orang Asli-based party Parti Orang Asli Malaysia made sense, despite the party’s relative newness, as Kuala Kubu Baharu has a number of Orang Asli voters.

“They want to test the waters. This is the best place for them to test voters’ acceptance of a party based on the Orang Asli. Muda and PSM have nothing to show in KKB. Not contesting was a wise decision,” he said.

FMT yesterday reported that Asli will field a young Orang Asli businessman from Selangor in the by-election.

Azmi has previously stated that the Asli candidate may be a potential tie-breaker as Orang Asli voters constitute 1% of the seat’s 40,226 voters.

Syaza Syukri.

Syaza said Muda and PSM’s talk of highlighting public issues during the by-election is indirectly in opposition to the government’s policies, which would also help PN’s chances.

PN will field Khairul Azhari Saut of Bersatu in the by-election, while DAP will field Pang Sock Tao, representing PH.

DAP has held the Selangor state assembly seat since 2013. The seat fell vacant when assemblyman Lee Kee Hiong died last month after a battle with cancer.

Nominations for the by-election will be held today. - FMT

Does Vincent Tan still retain his casino aspirations?

 

Vincent Tan’s foray into Malaysia’s gaming sector began in 1985 when his company acquired Sports Toto Malaysia.

PETALING JAYA: A casino would undoubtedly be the crown jewel in Vincent Tan’s gaming empire, but many have been left wondering whether the Berjaya Corp Bhd founder retains any such aspirations following the events of the last two days.

On Thursday, Prime Minister Anwar Ibrahim vehemently denied a report suggesting that the government has plans to issue a licence for a casino in Forest City, Johor.

“Not true, not true. Casino licence… That’s a lie,” he told reporters, making an “X” sign with his arms to emphasise his point.

A Bloomberg article earlier that day said Anwar, who is also finance minister, met with Tan and Genting Bhd chairman and CEO Lim Kok Thay last week at Forest City to discuss the matter.

Quoting sources familiar with the matter, the US-based business media group said a casino would revive the US$100 billion (RM477.8 billion) project developed by China’s Country Garden, and dubbed Malaysia’s “Ghost City”.

Bloomberg qualified the article by pointing that any move to develop a second casino in Malaysia could become a challenge for Anwar, who heads a unity government. “Gambling is prohibited under Islam and Muslims are barred from even entering Malaysia’s (sole) casino,” it noted.

While a new gambling hub would bring in much needed revenue for the government, it remains a political hot potato.

The Genting casino contributed as much as RM5 billion annually to government coffers before the pandemic, according to a report by brokerage firm UOB Kay Hian.

Berjaya Corp has since refuted the Bloomberg article, denying that Tan was involved in talks with Anwar on the prospect of opening a casino in Forest City.

In a statement on Friday, it said the article had included “inaccurate information” that misrepresented the conglomerate’s supposed involvement in discussions with Anwar regarding the Forest City project.

“We would like to make it clear that (Tan) has not participated in any such discussions,” it added.

Meanwhile, news of the purported meeting between Anwar and the two tycoons gave Berjaya Corp a temporary lift on Thursday with its shares rising as much as 14.3% or 4 sen to 32 sen.

However, the prime minister’s emphatic denial quickly dampened sentiment, with Berjaya Corp giving up its gains to end just 1 sen or 3.5% higher at 30 sen, valuing the group at RM1.79 billion.

Quest for gaming gold mine

The casino licence awarded in 1969 to Genting Group to operate a casino in Genting Highlands has been a veritable gold mine for the group founded by Kok Thay’s father, Lim Goh Tong. Genting now operates casinos in the US, the UK and Singapore.

While the 72-year-old Tan has a thriving number forecast operation (NFO) in Sports Toto Bhd, a casino licence may well be the missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle for him.

The Bloomberg piece claimed Tan has long harboured ambitions of winning a casino licence in Malaysia, “but has been rejected at least twice”, citing local media reports.

In 2014, the New Straits Times reported that Tan wanted to revive plans to operate a casino at the Berjaya Hills Resort in Pahang, near the foothills of Genting Highlands.

The report said while he had applied for a licence to operate a casino in Berjaya Hills since 2004, it had been rejected amid protests from some quarters.

This was not the only time that Tan had seen his gaming aspirations derailed because of public unease. In January 2010, the finance ministry issued a sports betting licence to his wholly owned subsidiary Ascot Sports Sdn Bhd, only to withdraw it in October the same year.

At the time then prime minister and finance minister Najib Razak defended issuance of the licence as a means to “curb illegal gambling activities in the country”.

However, the controversial decision drew a fierce backlash and was later overturned after Umno’s Supreme Council unanimously voted against it.

In July 2018, then finance minister Lim Guan Eng said the new Pakatan Harapan government had no intention of approving any sports betting licence whether for Ascot Sports Sdn Bhd or any other operator.

International gaming enterprise

According to Forbes’ Malaysia’s “50 Richest” list, Tan has a net worth of US$730 million (RM3.5 billion). He relinquished his position as Berjaya Corp executive chairman in March 2023, and is now an adviser to the board.

Tan’s foray into Malaysia’s gaming sector began four decades ago when his private company acquired 70% of the paid-up capital of Sports Toto Malaysia Sdn Bhd, which was privatised in 1985 by the Mahathir Mohamad administration.

The company was incorporated in 1969 to run the Toto betting business as part of the government’s effort to raise funds to promote and develop sports, youth and cultural activities.

Sports Toto has since spread its wings internationally. Its Philippine subsidiary Berjaya Philippines, Inc, is listed on the Philippine Stock Exchange and operates an on-line lottery system in the Luzon region, via an associate company.

In the US, Sports Toto’s subsidiary, International Lottery & Totalizator Systems, Inc, provides computerised wagering equipment and systems to the online lottery and pari-mutuel racing industries worldwide.

Tan also has interest in Vietnam’s gaming sector via Berjaya Gia Thinh Investment Technology Joint Stock Company, which is 51% owned by Berjaya Lottery Vietnam Ltd (BLV). BLV is in turn 80% owned by Berjaya Corp and 20% owned by Sports Toto.

BLV is involved in running a computerised lottery in Vietnam by partnering with a state-owned enterprise under Vietnam’s ministry of finance. It currently has 4,700 terminals across 49 provinces in Vietnam. - FMT