KajangGate: The real, I mean it, the REAL reasons. Yes, it’s true. I swear. – Uncomfortably Numb

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Jaba Sadist and welcome to the exclusive interview by The Malaysian InsideUs with a PKR insider on the issue of the moment, KajangGate. Encik Insider, thank you for agreeing to this interview and welcome to The Malaysian InsideUs.

Yes yes, tenkiu tenkiu. I, in fact, should thank you for interviewing me. Because we really need to justify, eh... I mean, explain this issue to all of you peasants, eh... I mean beloved voters.

We need to explain so that there will be no misunderstanding. We love transparency you know. You know, transparent like that.... like see through like that... so we need to go on the ground to explain this stuff you know.

I mean by going to the ground I don't mean to say we need to kiss your feet lah... but you know la what I mean Jaba kan? We need to explain. Yes. Yes.

So, can you explain KajangGate please? Like transparent like that, okay?

Okay. You know Jaba, as the Chief Strategist of PKR, I have strategically put myself in all the strategic areas so that I could strategically strategise our strategies.

I have sent people everywhere, like spies like that you know. Then I found out that Prime Minister Najib might be removed by some dark forces, you know these dark forces arr... very not transparent one... very dark like that you know.

Who are these dark forces? Darth Vader?

Yes, yes, Darth Vader and his progenies, Darth Maul, Darth Sidius, Count Dooku like that.

These sure the Sith Lords who are going to defeat Prime Minister Najib and throw him out from the Presidency of Umno.

These Sith Lords are planning planning like that you know... and my spies told me this is going to happen very soon.

So?

Aaah... this is where people like you, Art Harun and all the peasants, eh... I mean the voters, don't know.

You all don't know because you all are not Jedis like us you know. You all are... err... for the lack of a better word... sorry eh... nothing personal... but for the lack of a better word, stupid and ignorant non-politicians.

You see, if the Prime Minister is thrown out and replaced....

Err...who do you think will replace him?

My guys have strategically told me that Dr M (Dr Mahathir) will be prime minister and Zainuddin Maidin will be deputy prime minister.

But they are not even MPs.

Aaah... you see, this is where you do not see Jaba. They will declare an emergency lah.

Then Dr M will become PM and Zai will become DPM. They will declare emergency in Selangor too.

And Pakatan rakyat will never ever get to be in Putrajaya if that happened. I mean, the whole galaxy will be ruled by the dark forces. You understand?

They will declare emergency like they did in Kelantan before lah. And the worse thing is this you know I heard... when they wrest control arr... they are going to send Zul Nordin to hug all the Indians on the street every day man... I mean, how lar like that... we need to save Selangor from this la bro.

But Pakatan is firmly in control in Selangor. Kelantan was different. There was a Constitutional crisis. And nobody seemed to have a firm majority. So the government of the day declared emergency and put Kelantan under Mageran. Selangor however, is firmly and definitely under Pakatan.

This is why I said you all don't know because you all are not Jedis like us, politicians, especially PKR politicians. You have to trust me when I say I know because I know. You know?

So, assuming you are right, how would KajangGate impact on this thingy you were telling me about?

You see, we need Anwar Ibrahim to be in Selangor, as an Exco member only ya, not as MB, just an Exco member. He can then prevent all these things from happening.

So, you are putting Anwar in Selangor Exco in order to save prime minister Najib from being unseated from Umno presidency and save his job as the prime minister? Is that what you are saying?

Yes. Anwar will save the prime minister from being sacked. And by doing that, Anwar will save Selangor and the whole Malaysia from being under an emergency.

Now, you mean to say that Selangor and the whole Malaysia will only be saved if Najib continues to be the prime minister?

Yes.

Now that's ironic, no?

You see, that's why I say you don't know jack shyte about politics, Jaba. That's why you are at The Malaysian InsideUs and not with us in the Parliament.

Okay, okay... assuming you are right... how would Anwar, being an Exco member of Selangor state government, prevent what you said will happen from ever happening.

Eh, that one secret la bro.

Eh, what happen to transparency, like see through like that?

Ya lah. Transparent also got place we cannot be so transparent lah. Like all transparent how to walk in public la. Nanti semua nampak, apa hal bro?

But really, how is he going to do that?

Okay lah... you know DSAI la Jaba, he can prevent things from happening just by being there you know. I mean, I have seen him making things happen just by being there.

You see Selangor makes 2.8 billion reserve. Who is there?

Then you see, erm... what else arr... lemme see... you see... erm.... never mind lah... one example enough la okay...

Okay. Now what if what you said will happen, do not happen at all?

I promise you, Anwar will quit politics and become a lecturer. For real, this time.

And you?

I would quit and become his student.