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Saturday, June 27, 2020

SATURDAY JOKE - 9


Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it!
English is a stupid language!
There is no egg in the eggplant.
No ham in the hamburger.
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted.
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that.
Quicksand takes you down slowly.
Boxing rings are square.
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. 
If writers write, how come fingers don't finge.
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth.
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetable,
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play?
Yet play at a recital.
Park on driveways and,
Drive on parkways.
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy!
Of a language where a house can burn up as,
It burns down.
And in which you fill in a form, 
By filling it out.
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers.
And it reflects the creativity of the human race.
(Which of course isn't a race at all).
That is why,
When the stars are out they are visible,
But when the lights are out they are invisible.
And why it is that when I wind up my watch,
It starts.
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends. 


A Malaysian farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Malaysian says, "Oh! We have paddy fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Malaysian immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Malaysian sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have grasshoppers in Malaysia?" 


Me to the Postman: This empty envelope must be from my sister, Mariam.
Postman: Now, why would she send you an empty envelope?
Me: We had an argument, and she's not talking to me! 


My dad walked me down the aisle at my third wedding.
He said, "I keep giving you away ... and they keep giving you back!" 


In some large stores, it is now illegal to buy more than one package of toilet paper.
The Police have named it 'The Big Crack Down'.


A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.
"I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."
Six months later, the man was back.
"Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving a glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine, then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."


A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom, and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache." 
"Certainly, honey," he said and feeling his way across the darkroom, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"
Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to an interview for a good-paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"Twenty-two," Kowalski replied.
After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth but was still very curious.
The next day, Kowalski went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

A lady sitting in first class saw the cockpit door open, she was shocked to see that the pilot was reading. Very concerned, she asked a flight attendant, "Miss, why is the pilot reading? Isn't he supposed to be flying?" 
The woman fainted when the flight attendant said, "Oh well, he's just studying for his pilot license." 

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