SUNDAY JOKES - 43

 

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was packed up. Then he saw a green envelope propped up prominently at the centre of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad". 
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad, 

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. 
I've been finding real passion with Mariel and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, but she's also pregnant and Mariel said that we will be very happy. 
Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. 
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Mariel can get better; she sure deserves it!! 
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. 
Your son, 

Tom 

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Once you're young and fun...
Now you're turning down the stereo in the car so you can see better.

Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it, they'll be giving you a speaking part

Somebody forgot to set his privacy settings...

Think this is how Santa got the red nose?

 

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet....?
So, she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Last Christmas, I told my girlfriend months in advance, Baby, all I want from you this year is an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of the list: Xbox. Do you know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine - because I got her an Xbox.

Me: "I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes."
Friend: "How?"
Me: "I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven."

Three guys died and when they got to the Pearly Gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."
The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?"
The first guy says, "24 years."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Ford Pinto to drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.
The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out well."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Toyota Camry."
The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. here's a Jaguar!"
A few days later, the two guys with the Toyota Camry and the Ford Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a bicycle!" 

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