SUNDAY JOKES - 68

 

A Canadian was in France, out of his wallet he removed a stick of gum he had bought from the airport in Canada and started to chew it. He walked into a French coffee shop and sat himself beside an English-speaking French man.
Frenchman: In Canada, what do you do with your used tires?
Canadian: We send them to France to get turned into paper plates.
French man: What do you do with your used plastic bags?
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) We send them to France to get turned into picket fences. Hey, what do you do with your used crazy glue?
French man: We send it to Canada to get turned into bubble gum!

Two men walk into a bar. The first guy says he wants some H2O.
The second guy says he wants some H2O too.
The second guy died.

A woman in Atlantic City was losing at the roulette wheel. When she was down to her last 10 dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number. Why don't you play your age? he suggested.
The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table.
The next thing the guy who gave the advice knew, the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor. He rushed right over. Did she win? he asked.
No, replied the attendant.
She put 10 dollars on 33 and 46 came in.”

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? 

Pilgrims!

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found his blonde CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in her hand.
'Listen,' said the CEO, 'this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?'
'Certainly,' said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
'Excellent, excellent!' said the CEO, as her paper disappeared inside the machine. 

'I just need one copy...'

"How much does it cost to buy a large singing group?"
“A choir?”
"Okay, fine... how much does it cost to 'acquire' a large singing group?"

Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? 

The infantry!

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the Spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead, the ads said that "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
An American tee shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

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