THURSDAY JOKES - 67

 

Two factory workers were talking. "I know how to get some time off from work." said the man.
"How do you think you will do that?" said the other one. He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.

The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.
"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. The second worker began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going?
"Home! I can't work in the dark."

 

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "Why, it's our signature bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"

I pulled a muscle digging for gold...
No worries though, it's just a miner injury.

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them down on their Viber notes.
I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I will let you have the pen!

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3.30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize that the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost! It's half past three in the morning. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night, our car broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

You Might Be a Cop if...
1. People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room.
2. Your idea of a good time is when an armed robbery happens after your shift change.
3. You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
4. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
5. You believe Prozac should be added regularly to the water system.
6. When you mention vegetables, you're not referring to the food group.
7. You want to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide - getting it right the first time."
8. You call for a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly toward you.
9. You believe anyone who says, "I only had two beers" is going to blow over 150.
10. You walk into places and people think it's high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout, "They've come to get you...".

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