THURSDAY JOKES - 70

 

Mr. Rabbit was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, "Good Morning, Mr. Crow." Mr. Crow shouted back down, "Good Morning Mr. Rabbit."
Mr. Rabbit shouted up, "What are you doing today?" and the answer shouted back down was, "Absolutely nothing, Mr. Rabbit - Absolutely nothing and loving it."
Well, that sounded pretty good to Mr. Rabbit, so he shouted back up, "Do you think I could do that too?" Mr. Crow shouted back down, "I don’t see why not!" So, Mr. Rabbit lay down on the side of the road and began doing absolutely nothing!
About 30 minutes later, a fox came along and ate him up.

The moral of the story is:- 

You can get away with doing absolutely nothing, but only if you are really high up.

"How long have you been working at that office?"
"Ever since they threatened to fire me."

 

I’m very old now and I’ve got a body like a dropped lasagna. 

Women now look at my naked body in the same fearful way that pensioners look at snow.

George, who is 70 years old, went for his annual physical check-up. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are very close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Waiter: You know there are no mice at our hotel.
Customer: Why, is your hotel so clean and well maintained?
Waiter: No sir, the food is so bad.

A Christian friend of mine said that sex between two men is wrong in their eyes. 

I said, ‘You’re right, it’s supposed to be up the bum!

“Do I believe in safe sex? 

Of course, I do. 

I have a handrail around the bed.”

A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I a pure polar bear?"
The dad replies, "Sure you are, son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear."
Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I a pure polar bear?"
She answers, "Of course you are, honey. I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear."
Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandma...Grandpa...am I all a polar bear?"
His grandmother answers, "Of course you are, sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask, sweetie?"
The baby polar bear replies, "Because I'm bloody freezing!"

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